LightAndShadow's Personal Journal

Forwarding Address

2006-04-03T03:59:00.000-07:00

Zeros and Ones... Revised

2006-03-26T05:52:00.000-08:00

It is rather appropriate that my final Blogger entry should be on this particular topic... and on a Sunday, too. It's funny how things seem to come full circle!

I don't know if I can close this out without going back to the beginning and examining the events of the last... gosh, almost six months.

I joined a couple of online communities around my last birthday. I was tired and yes, lonely and looking to spark up a few interesting conversations with people I'd probably never meet any other way.

The Forum and Personal Messaging systems were an experiment of sorts... an out of character venture into the online world of relationships and personal interaction. It was an experiment that carried me into places that I didn't even know existed (at least not on this scale).

I’ve learned that for many of us the world is a very lonely and isolated place, but like it or not, agree with it or not, zeros and ones bouncing off satellites can address the void left by make-work busy lives. Lives that are filled, in part, with people who simply don’t have the time or inclination to listen to our idle rants and ramblings.

Online I discovered a world of e-families, e-friends, e-enemies, and e-loves. In this microcosm of “real” life I've explored and learned and grown and tackled a few personal issues that needed to be dealt with, knocked to the ground, held down, and controlled.

To my surprise, I’ve found that my heart is bigger than I imagined it to be and my fear is less than I thought it was.

Here’s to growing where we are planted. Here’s to continued exploration through Zeros and Ones!

I Think I May Have Found A New Home

2006-03-25T18:47:00.000-08:00

I'm still fiddlin' and faddlin', but I do believe I found a new home!

I found a WordPress template that I like. I had to do some customizing, but once I familiarized myself with PHP (a server-side scripting language designed specifically for integration with HTML and MySQL) things moved right along. I still need to add a few links, categorize my posts, and deal with the misaligned pictures, but I'm hoping to be completely done by Monday!

http://light-n-shadow.com/blog => Come See!

Here's to packing up and moving on.

I'm Thinking About Making A Move

2006-03-23T20:04:00.000-08:00

I'm considering moving my Blog. Moving is hard... I feel very much at home here and I like Blogger's look and feel, but I'm concerned about the technical issues plaguing the site. I've got a host and I'm experimenting with Wordpress. This evening I imported all of my posts and so far so good. I'll continue to use Blogger until I'm absolutely sure that I'm satisfied with Wordpress. Of course, I'll let ya know how it goes!

Here's to greener pastures!

Black. White. Episode III

2006-03-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

Remember what I said about Little Miss. WhiteGirl and Little Mr. BlackBoy being all right? Well, I take that back. Yes, I think we viewers may find that WhiteGirl is the sole voice of reason in this black/white ensemble, but BlackBoy… Oh, BlackBoy… Oh, boy!

It turns out that Jr. BlackMan is what WhiteGirl referred to as “stereotypical!” The astute youngster pointed out that not only is he stereotypical, but he’s proud of it, and this blogger has to agree with her assessment. BlackBoy ain’t got much in the way of a clue.

When asked what grade he was in, BlackBoy said, “I’m sixteen.” as if that answered the question. It didn’t. After WhiteGirl dug around a bit, BlackBoy admitted that he’d failed both the sixth and eighth grades. He eventually got caught holding a “frrrriend’s” knife and was permanently kicked out of school. Curious WhiteGirl tried to get at the reason BlackBoy had the knife in the first place and the only explanation he was able to offer was that he didn’t really know. “I don’t ask all these questions,” BlackBoy said. Well, doll, here you are sixteen with an eighth grade education and it may be time to ask a few questions.

The other day I ran across an article written last year. In it the author, Charles Johnson, wrote the following:

As tired as one might be of hearing this, the crisis (black men being an endangered species) can be seen as possibly terminal for a considerable portion of black Americans at the dawn of the 21st century. Furthermore, it is not merely an economic or political problem but also a cultural, spiritual and moral one that has at its center behavior and attitudes that make far too many black men noncompetitive… and, perhaps, irrelevant in an increasingly complex multicultural and knowledge-based global economy.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a great deal of sympathy for BlackBoy. He’s not hopeless. He just needs guidance. Clearly, his parents are trying to do just that. As they literally cursed their son out for buying a $150 dollar bling-bling watch, Mom and Dad emphasized that they wanted him to get his GED and go to college. BlackBoy expressed confusion at the thought of education. “Why you want me to go to college?” he wanted to know. See, I guess he does ask a question or two!

Unfortunately, BlackMan in his paternal role gave sonny boy a cliché response. Between cuss words he noted he wanted the boy to have a better life. Stop cussin’ at the boy, Dad! Give your son a few facts. Tell him that UC Berkeley's 2004-05 freshman class had only 108 African-Americans out of 3,600 students, with less than 40 males, and not one black among the 800 engineering students. Tell him that 1/3 of black men in their 20s graduate from high school with an eighth-grade level of proficiency in math and reading, tell him about the numbers in prison, on probation or on parole. School your son! Stop cussin’ and start teachin’!

Now, to be fair Mom and Dad do have a problem on their hands – a sixteen year old who’s failed school and doesn’t seem to “get” it is not easy to handle. To their credit they are certainly trying to help their teenager find the “path”, however, Dad’s emphasis on racism maybe misplaced. Now, this ‘ere blogger thinks lessons in racism should be pretty far down on Papa’s list of required study. BlackBoy has more pressing problems. In this particular case, I have to agree with columnist William Raspberry as he urges black people to resist becoming trapped and limited by antique narratives about their lives.

For the first time in black American history, what we do is a greater determinant of our future than what is done to us. We need to teach that and preach that and shout that--to our young people and ourselves.

Teach, preach, and shout, BlackMan! Don’t you think this is what your son needs to hear?! Doesn’t he need to hear that “he” can make better choices? Doesn’t he need to hear that those choices can break the stereotype he’s living?

Oh, and what were WhiteMan and WhiteWoman doing during this black family moment? Well, Whiteman was stretched out on the couch thoroughly enjoying hearing BlackWoman call her son, “Neeeeegro!” And WhiteWoman was off somewhere recuperating from cursing at her own child and, of course, getting her cry on!

Here’s to not drowning our children in foul language and actually teaching them to navigate life’s difficult waters!

Just Askin'

2006-03-22T05:51:00.000-08:00

Today, I’m going to ask these questions in some of the forums I frequent!

Where is the line between sexual banter and vulgarity?

Should that line be crossed?

Setting aside the fact that it is illegal and assuming no minors are present, should you masturbate in the middle of a crowded mall?

Here's to just askin'!

I Thought About This Song The Other Day!

2006-03-21T17:06:00.000-08:00

Has HBO's The Sopranos Jumped The Shark?

2006-03-21T16:02:00.000-08:00

Has the show fundamentally and permanently strayed from its original premise leaving Tony and crew to their water ski moment? Should series fans be cringing as a comatose version of our favorite mob boss flails around in a nightmarish Vegas with the wrong wallet? Are we about to witness, in its final season, the decline of the New Jersey nasties? My God, will it end with a dream sequence?

Did you know that little AJ couldn’t act?

Oh, so many questions.

Here’s to the writers pulling their pens outta their… oooops, sorry. Here’s to ~~Happy~~ Better Days!

Taglines

2006-03-21T12:21:00.000-08:00

I like taglines.

Simple phrases that sum up and define purpose.

Have you noticed that LightAndShadow’s Journal has a tagline?

No! Well, take a look. Over there in the sidebar under "About"! See it! That’s right… right there. Ummm hmmmm, The Things I Think! Yep, that’s the one.

See I chose that as my motto for a very specific reason. I’m beginning to understand that where the mind goes the man follows. If my thinking is twisted and rooted in unhappiness and dissatisfaction, I’m likely to remain locked in unhappiness and dissatisfaction. That’s just the way it seems to work. In the final analysis, attitude is everything.

I like the expression… Check Yourself!

I created this blog to so just that. I created it to capture my thoughts. Not just to get ‘em out there, but to lock them down so that I could go back and examine them later. I wanted to check myself by tracking my fleeting thoughts, chronicling my quiet musings, giving voice to my crazy rants, laughing out loud at the foolishness around me, all the while solidifying my values.

Why? Once again, where the mind goes the man follows and I wanted to know where my mind was leading me.

I hear you! I know you’re saying that with or without writing everything down I am in a position to know precisely what’s own my own d@mn mind, right? Yes, right! Absolutely correct, but…

My blog makes me… it makes me accountable.

There it is. Everything, well… almost everything I think right out in the open… easily examined and peeled back. Unhidden. It is the public nature of recording my thoughts that makes them so much more powerful than just leaning back in my chair and thinking them.

See, if it is just me in my head it’s easy to become disconnected from the way my thoughts are impacting my life, but once those thoughts find their way into the zeros and ones of blogging, I am forced to carefully examine them. I have to ask myself… Is this true? Is this the way I want to feel? Is this the way I wish to be perceived? And if the answer is no, then I must ask myself where I should change my thinking.

Why? Because if I don’t want to be seen in a certain light, than I can’t live there. Period!

To my discredit, I must say that my mind doesn’t always go where it should. To my credit, I can also say that I am fully aware of this and I’m working on it… consciously breaking old patterns and attempting to establish better ones. And that, in a nutshell, is what the blog is all about!

My blog not only makes me accountable, but it encourages me to change my mind and, as a result, my destination.

Here’s to the things I think! Oh, and have I told you how much I appreciate our time together?!

Black. White. Episode II

2006-03-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

All right people, who’s watching this pseudo-documentary reality show, Black/White?! I caught last week’s episode on TiVo and I got stuff to say.

Surprised, right?

Look, I don’t know if it is the editing (that is always suspect) or if they’ve chosen the most paranoid black family on the planet and the stupidest white people in the world.

Before I begin my analysis let me say that we can extract the youngsters from my vent. Little Miss. and Little Mr. are just fine. It’s the PARENTS!

Help me, Jesus!

I’m here to tell you that these people are coming off as complete idiots.

First, we have the eye-rollin-I’ll-go-there-if-I-have-to black woman.

Next, we have the you-don’t-understand-how-hard-it-is-for-a-brutha brother man.

Followed up with the cry-me-a-river-I-didn’t-mean-it-when-I-called-you-a-bitch white lady.

And finally, a white-man-can’t-jump-but-Ima-get-real-hood-on-yous white guy.

Now, tell me this isn’t a recipe for disaster. Stereotypes and Cliches! Yes, folks misunderstanding abound!

In last week's episode WhiteMan set out to prove to BlackMan that ain’t nobody thinkin’ ‘bout him.

See what happened was…

The black guy dons his white disguise and he and WhiteMan go to a white bar. Now, WhiteMan made it fairly clear that he intends to draw the Caucasian patrons into a discussion on race. He’s trying to show that even if alone and without witnesses white folks aren’t sitting around droppin’ “N” words. See what I’m sayin’?

So, they sit down like a couple-a white guys looking to bend the elbow and WhiteMan starts asking not so subtle albiet exceedingly dumb questions… he asks if the patrons would date black… they would… they had. He follows that up with a “so even though black men are notorious for abandoning their family you’d still date one” question, and a “oh, by the way is it true what they say about penis size” query.

Well, the patrons weren’t impressed. They were clearly uncomfortable and basically let WhiteMan know his inquiries weren’t appreciated.

Good, right?

Naw, not really!

Ask me what this little encounter showed BlackMan dressin' as a white man? Well, he told his wife that WhiteMan was revealing his prejudice with the types of questions he asked.

Huh, WhiteMan told you he was going in there to start some racial mess? What makes you, BlackMan, think he was expressing some inner belief that you ain’t up to par.

Sigh and Shake My Head!

But that ain’t all…

We gotta discuss the dialect coach and all that bitch foolishness!

See what happened was…

BlackWoman and WhiteWoman were in Black/White training. The dialect coach was helping them practice speaking each other’s language… there is a difference.

Anyway, the word B.I.T.C.H was on the study sheet. Please, don’t ask me why! I thought the fact that the word was there at all was pretty telling, but I digress!

Back to the scene - WhiteWoman practicing black dialect said, “Yo, Bitch!” to BlackWoman. Well, sistah girl didn’t cotton ta that. No, She Did Not. She reared back and essential told WhiteWoman… who was of course in tears… that she didn’t know her like that! You know what WhiteWoman thought?… she admitted to thinking “bitch” was a term of endearment used by sister girls great and small.

Huh? It’s what?

Have mercy!

Look, everybody in this little episode was jacked up… Black/White… didn’t matter… e’rybody (another word on the dialect coach's list! He had the children practicing that one. Like I keep sayin’… Mercy!)

I know I probably shouldn’t, but I’ma stay turned to see what happens next!

Here’s to e’rybody lookin’ like a nutcase and not dealing with the honest to goodness race problems we have in America!

Forgiveness

2006-03-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

I've suffered from having an unforgiving nature. One day, I was saying The Lord's Prayer and my heart changed as I mouthed these words:

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us

I was suddenly able to see myself and my own sins with His eyes. I realized how desperately I needed forgiveness... how much I wanted His pardon. I thought about the words in that prayer and realized that if I was to be true to them... if I was really asking God to forgive me like I forgave others, than I had to change. I had no choice but to ask God to help me begin to see the people around me the way He sees them... I needed him to help me offer others the forgiveness I myself needed.

Things became much easier after that. He showed me that all I have to do is think about what I want from Him and give it to someone else.

When a discussion of forgiveness arises talk of forgetting is sure to pop up.

Well, as for forgetting... The more I practice forgiveness the less important the concept of forgetting becomes.

I use to comfort myself with the thought that I could forgive, but I didn't have to forget. I’d say, “I’ll forgive you, but I’ll never forget what you’ve done!”

I'm seeing that that attitude was just an excuse to hold onto my unforgiveness. As I’m learning to truly forgive, I’m finding that I do indeed forget. I don't need to remember(focus on) things I've forgiven. I can really let go of past hurts. I can be free of them and I can trust God enough to not worry about old stuff revisiting me! With his help I’ll handle whatever comes.

You see we don’t need to remember that this one did that and that one did this to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. No, we don’t need to remember any more than we need to focus on some long ago kid in the third grade cutting in front of us in the lunch line. You know what I mean?

God gives you a gift when you practice forgiveness - peace.

Here's to being at peace and not having to worry about the past in the same way that someone does who can’t forgive and break free of old, painful memories.

Catholic Bashing

2006-03-18T13:15:00.003-08:00

Two things happened to me today that showed me just how ugly people can be. Especially when it comes to religion in general and Catholicism in particular.

I woke up this morning and read an opinion written by someone who quoted an obviously non-Catholic website that referred to a certain pop star as satanic. The writer was clearly upset and pointed out that “the fools who created the website didn’t know what it means to be Christian.”

I couldn’t agree more, however, I had to question the writer’s understanding of the faith when he/she went on to add this comment:

When will people realise that Catholosism is a misconception of the Bible? When will people realise that God is a loving God. He doesn't hate people, he's not to be feared... that's Satan. Catholosism is blind worship of the devil.

Remember the writer is commenting on an opinion he found on a non-Catholic website. Somehow or other he/she decided to use this opportunity to attack Catholics.

Now, this upset me greatly and it upset me not just because I’m Catholic and don’t appreciate being called a devil worshiper, but because the writer was perfectly comfortable blasting one group for labeling someone he/she admired as satanic and then turning around and doing the same thing to Catholics. I couldn’t believe the hypocrisy. I couldn’t believe the insensitivity. I just couldn’t believe how easily this person could condemn one ignorant opinion with another one!

Even though I am not one to want to start a fight I couldn’t help responding to the Catholic bashing. I essentially told the writer that calling Catholics devil worshipers sounded a whole lot like the website he/she was so appalled at for claiming that his pop star’s music is Satanic!

I wasn’t surprised that the writer couldn’t follow the jest of what I was saying. They were not moved to reconsider the fairness of their opinion. They couldn’t see their own hypocrisy. The irony of their statement was completely lost on them. Like I said, I wasn’t surprised.

Instead, they insisted that Catholics have been “mislead into blindly worshiping the devil.” They admitted to the boldness of their statement but insisted that:

Catholosism is centered around fear. Fear is the way of the devil… the Catholic church is hypocritical… there is nothing so far from what the Bible promotes, than the Catholic church.

Clearly this person has no more idea about the truth of my faith than the obviously non-Catholic website has about his pop star’s.

What a way to start the day, huh?

Well, the tone set by my first contact of the day continued into the afternoon.

I went to the museum to see the Illuminated Bible. I attended the private exhibition with a small group of my mother’s friends. We had our own tour guide and a couple we did not know just started tagging along. No problem. We could all enjoy learning about the exquisite documents on display. Right? Wrong!

This couple began asking the guide how she became such an expert on the bible. She said that she and my mother attended a four-year bible study program sponsored by the archdiocese. What did she want to say that for?!

This couple launched into a sardonic diatribe about how Catholics knew nothing about the bible. How dare they? Here they were tagging along with a group of Catholic women touring an exhibit of the first Illuminated Bible commissioned in 500 years. A bible that was designed to honor God, multiculturalism, and modern society. A bible commissioned by Catholics mind you. A bible crafted by artisans from all over the world using materials and techniques that would ensure that it would be around for a thousand years. And here these people were saying that Catholics know nothing of the bible! What audacity!!!

Well, I’ve had enough.

I’m hear to tell you what my Granmama told me… God don’t like ugly!

Blogger Bloggin' Blues

2006-03-17T10:09:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like the filer problem that's been plaguing my little online world is fixed! Can you say... FINALLY!

I tell you one thing... This technical snafu has shown me just how important spilling my guts in this way has become to me. It is extremely therapeutic, but more importantly it is a 'ell of a lot of fun!

Here's to a stable blogging environment... oh, and backups... can't stress it enough... Backthatthangup!

*SPOKE TO SOON... it looks like they are still migrating data off the bad filer. Oh, well... *

*Okay, it looks like we're back on track. Let the blogging begin... or rather... let the blogging continue!*

The Illuminated Bible

2006-03-17T02:45:00.000-08:00

I’ve taken an interest in the Saint John’s Bible. It is the first modern handwritten and illuminated Bible commissioned since the advent of the printing press 500 years ago.

The illuminations (drawings) I’ve seen are beautiful. Each one is illustrated with gold, silver, and platinum, using goose quills on vellum. Calligraphers have hand drawn 1,150 pages with every letter written in a font created especially for the Saint John’s Bible by Donald Jackson.

The Saint John’s Bible created in this historic six-year project interprets scripture through illumination reflecting a multicultural world and humanity’s enormous strides in science, technology, and space travel.

The calligraphy is complete, but the illuminations are still being worked on. The bible is currently on tour.

A sketch design for the Road to Emmaus Illustration

What He Said

2006-03-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
- Philip K. Dick

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
- Albert Einstein

Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems -- but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible.
- Salman Rushdie

There is an objective reality out there, but we view it through the spectacles of our beliefs, attitudes, and values.
- David G. Myers

Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.
- Democritus

To treat your facts with imagination is one thing, but to imagine your facts is another.
- John Burroughs

But There is Saving Grace

2006-03-16T12:08:00.000-08:00

Warren's Wave

An error does not become truth

by reason of multiplied propagation,

nor does truth become error because nobody sees it.
- Mahatma Gandhi

The Heart Of My Distrust

2006-03-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

Gonslave's Ladies Of The Lake

Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can

make us see a thread which is not there.
- E.H. Gombrich

Late Breaking News

2006-03-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

According to a certain Jedi Master a certain Padawan may be getting a lightsaber soon... More to follow... According to a certain Jedi Master a certain Padawan may be getting a lightsaber soon... More to follow... According to a certain Jedi Master a certain Padawan may be getting a lightsaber soon... More to follow. According to a certain Jedi Master a certain Padawan may be getting a lightsaber soon... More to follow... According to a certain Jedi Master a certain Padawan may be getting a lightsaber soon... More to follow... According to a certain Jedi Master a certain Padawan may be getting a lightsaber soon... More to follow... According to a certain Jedi Master a certain Padawan may be getting a lightsaber soon... More to follow... According to a certain Jedi Master a certain Padawan may be getting a lightsaber soon... More to follow...

An Annoyance

2006-03-15T11:30:00.000-08:00

While I’m waiting for my next telecon to begin, I thought I’d explore another subject that’s been nagging at me.

Mean Spirited People... what an annoyance!

Again, I’m writing about people I run into in forums. Well, not just people, but one specific person who’s been drawing my attention of late.

I will spare him the embarrassment of using his screen name and yes, I realize he’d never be embarrassed by anything I could say about him, but he should be. He should be ashamed of his online behavior and God help him if he carries on like this out in the “real” world.

I’ve never “talked” to this guy. I’ve never posted a response in one of his asinine threads and truthfully, I try to avoid reading anything he writes. However, every once in awhile I make the mistake of irritating myself by venturing into his mean little world. And honestly, it is a mistake.

This man has little to offer other than a very twisted outlook coupled with an over inflated sense of his own worth. I occasionally drop into one of his topics with the same “can’t help but look” frame of mind a driver has when peering at a traffic accident. It most assuredly isn’t about entertainment. The entertainment value is minimal. Unless you think harping on fat women, dumb people, and what he likes to think of as hoes is entertaining. No, it is my own morbid curiosity that leads me to him. It is my own good sense that quickly sends me away shaking my head and wondering about the state of people in general, and this poor man in particular.

I wonder if he has any idea how much the hatred he spews says about him. The other day, after spending the afternoon generating the usual “I hate fat women” posts the man I’m talking about had the audacity to defend himself by saying that he writes the things he writes to “help” people. Right? Thanks, but no thanks. I can’t think of anyone that needs his kind of help. Naw, I think the world would be better off without his aid.

Here’s to avoiding unsightly things on the side of the road!

Rich Man Or Poor Man

2006-03-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

I’m sorry, I feel a preach coming on. Bear with me people… Believers and Non-Believers it doesn’t really matter - hear me out!

I wanted to take a few minutes this morning before my day blew up and jot down a few thoughts I have about money, its influence on us, and its importance in our lives.

Let me begin by explaining what has me thinking about this subject!

I frequent several forums. Some of them I simply read, and others I take an active role in. Lately, I’ve run into several threads that have me concerned. No, not “toss and turn can’t sleep at night” concerned, just “hmmmmm that’s unfortunate” concerned.

Allow me to address a thread I read the other day that questioned whether or not dating a rich man is significantly different from being involved with a poor one. I find nothing inherently wrong with this question. In fact, it is rather interesting.

What did surprised me was the attitude many of the respondents brought to the discussion. The stereotyped beliefs about the differences between the rich and poor didn’t necessarily astonish me, but I found it rather disturbing that people could show such essentially unfounded animosity toward one another.

Let me give you an example. I don’t have time to dig through the forums and directly quote the posts, however, I’ll give you a general summary of some of the things that were said.

Rich men just buy women to use!

Poor men get jealous and can’t accept a woman that tries to earn a decent living!

Rich men have no character while poor men are sincere!

Am I the only one disturbed by these statements?

Naive or not, I am of the belief that character is a function of moral or ethical strength and that has little to do with financial wealth. It does, however, have much to do with an individual’s relationship to wealth.

Now, this is where I’m going to pull out my scripture. This is a fundamental one, but it seems to make my point.

You are probably familiar with the statement Jesus made about the rich man and entrance into heaven. The story of the rich man and heaven goes like this:

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "Only God is good. If you want to enter eternal life, obey the commandments… If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

Notice the young man’s reaction to the thought of giving away what he had. He sadly walked away knowing he couldn’t do it. See, that was the problem… not the having, but the inability to part with what he had.

I’m sure you’ve heard the other often quoted biblical passage about the “love” of money:

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.

Timothy writes:

Warn the rich people of this world not to be proud or to trust in wealth that is easily lost. Tell them to have faith in God, who is rich and blesses us with everything we need to enjoy life. Instruct them to do as many good deeds as they can and to help everyone. Remind the rich to be generous and share what they have. This will lay a solid foundation for the future, so that they will know what true life is like.

Again, notice that wealth itself is not evil nor does it make people evil. In fact, wealth allows for sharing. So, it is not wealth, but the love of wealth that must be combated.

Look guys, I know this is basic stuff, but some of the things I’ve been seeing lately tell me that people need to get back to some of these basics.

There’s a third statement about the importance of money that is worth remembering:

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.

Okay, so let’s say we accept the truth of these statements. What do they mean for the poor?

First, what I really find interesting is that in the world of forums, I’d say these statements are directed not to some “rich folk” out there, but to us. Anybody with a PC and broadband can consider themselves rich as far as I’m concerned.

Secondly, I think these principals mean exactly the same thing for the actual “poor” as they do for the rich. All of us have something that we hold dear. All of us have something we are tempted to hoard away for ourselves… things we are afraid to let go of. Things we put before God.

The lesson given to the rich young man, the warning Timothy gave to the rich people of the world, the admonition about attempting to serve God and Wealth found in the scriptures are for us… All of us! Rich and Poor alike!

So, is it with this is mind that I answer the question posed earlier – Is being with a rich man significantly different than being involved with a poor man?

Well, I say… it depends on their attitude about money!

Here’s to remembering the lessons we've probably learned somewhere along the way!

I'm Gonna Get Serious

2006-03-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve been a giggly mess the last couple of days. I’ve decided to serious up.

These Are My Confessions…

2006-03-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

May not be as exciting as Usher's but here's the truth...

I’ve turned one of the file draws in my office into a pharmacy. Taaaaacky! I know, but I don’t care.

Walgreens Jr. Inventory:

Tylenol 3’s… yes, I have a prescription
Alka-Seltzer Plus
Multi-vitamins
Chewable chocolate calcium… hmm, maybe I’ll move this to the kitchenette
Iron Supplements
Hemorrhoid suppositories… yes, I said it… I believe in being prepared.
Imodium AD… I told you… I believe in being prepared.
Advil
Hair gel
Perfume (8 bottles)… what did I say…
Lotion
Comb
Brush
Q-tips
2 toothbrushes
Marvis Toothpaste... 8 bucks a tube and worth every penny! Sooooo good.
Feminine Products Galore… we got your light days, your heavy days, your interior and exterior protective devices, we got your plastic applicators, your cardboard inserters, we got wings….we… oh, never mind!

I’ve turned one of the bins in my office into a kitchenette. Taaaaacky! I know, but I don’t care.

Overhead bin kitchenette inventory:

2 currently unopened boxes of Girl Scout cookies – charity cookies tempting the crap outta me
1 possibly stale box of multigrain crackers
1 partially consumed jar of smooth natural peanut butter
2 cans of pop-top chicken noodle soup
1 box of microwave popcorn (made with real butter)
1 family sized box of Raisin Bran... good for the bowels
1 box of Brown Sugar Quaker Instant Oatmeal... Grandpa lived to be 101 and ate it er’ry day
1 tin of Constant Comment tea
1 box of gifted peppermint herbal tea I’ll never drink… I need caffeine
1 box of Splenda – they say this company is black owned (?)
1 unopened jar of Orange Marmalade
20 pilfered packets of sugar-free hot chocolate – they give it free in the coffee room, but I sneak it into my kitchen. I’m afraid one day they’ll run out!
Paper plates and napkins
2 microwave safe bowls
1 large cappuccino mug
1 tall company mission statement emblazoned coffee cup – GO TEAM!
1 blue plastic water cup
1 Empty Boy Scout caramel corn tin full of takeout restaurant plastic silverware kits
1 Empty Christmas Candy tin full of takeout restaurant condiments
and…
1 book of matches.

See… I’m ready for anything!

Dang... Here's to me getting a more scandalous life!

Soul Train

2006-03-12T08:55:00.000-08:00

I’ll be honest I haven’t watched Soul Train since... well since forever. Truthfully, I didn’t even know the show was still on.

Well, after getting my kitchen in order I decided to settle down and find a movie or something… I started flippin’ channels and stopped at Soul Train. Can somebody tell me when we lost our good sense? These girls were dancing like they were in the club… not “the” club, but “the” strip club. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty. I expect it on the vids, but Soul Train… pole dancin’, breast strokin’, humpin’. No! Stop! Leave something undefiled.

Oh, my goodness….

Right now somebody is shakin her behind to Kirk Franklin's lyrics:

Jesus you are, (Jesus you are, Jesus you are)
You are my sun right after the rain
Wherever you are
I just wanna be near you
I'm so glad I can hear you

How you gonna pole dance to that?! Have mercy!

Here's to getting a little dignity!

Quiet Weekend

2006-03-12T07:36:00.000-08:00

It’s been a wonderfully quiet, guilt free weekend. My daughter is away for a few days. I dropped her at “diversity” camp Friday morning. She’s a camp councilor and works with kids from all over the State as they gather together to discuss race, religion, and sexual preference. My daughter is probably one of the most accepting people I know. It amazes me. Her level of empathy for others is just astounding. I’d say I don’t know where it came from, but that probably is not true.

We’ve moved around a lot and she learned early how to make friends. She saw that even though people are different there is a sameness that makes it possible to understand just about anyone. I’m proud of her, but it does make me nervous.

My daughter goes for the underdog… the person with problems… she’s a sympathetic listener… and though she has a very strict code of behaviour she tries not to judge others too harshly. Why would that make a mother nervous? Well, I worry that she will not draw the line with certain people. I’m concerned that she will let her friend’s problems drag her down. I’m worried that she will surround herself with needy people who will bring trouble to her life. I know… I shouldn’t worry needlessly… I have to trust that she has a strong enough sense of self-preservation that she will walk away from bad relationships. In many ways we are the people we associate with.

Here’s to praying that my daughter finds good friends to bring love and joy to her life while keeping that beautiful spirit alive and untainted.

I Exist

2006-03-09T14:17:00.000-08:00

Now, here’s something else that’s been nagging at po’ little ol’ me!

I exist!

Sure you do! That’s what you’re saying, right? You’re thinking… okay, the woman has finally lost it. She’s making a point of letting us know she exists. Poor thing!

Naw, I’m good. I ain’t lost it. I’m just sayin’ - I exist. More importantly, I’m saying I want to continue to exist. See… I’ve bought into the whole idea of eternal life and the immortality of the soul and I - like Darius told Nina in "Love Jones"… I Want Mine!

There. I said it. I Want To Go On... like Celine sang when the ship was sinkin' in "Titanic"!

I’m telling anybody who’ll listen that I’m no drop in the ocean.

Drop in the ocean?

Don’t interrupt. Hear me out!

See, there are people out there who’ll tell you that you are just a drop in the ocean. They’ll tell you that your ultimate purpose, your final goal is to eventually rejoin the cosmic oneness of God. Now, I’m not arguing that point. I do believe that it is from God that we came and it is to God that we will return. Yes, God is our final destiny. I truly believe that.

What I’m having a problem with is the drop in a bucket theory. I’m having trouble accepting the idea that my identity, memories, talents, and personality will be swallowed whole into some cosmic One. I keep asking myself - Where would I be? I keep coming back with the disturbing answer that I would no longer be. Nope. I’m not happy with that thought. Like I said…

I’ve bought into the whole idea of eternal life and the immortality of the soul and I - like Darius in Love Jones… I Want Mine!

Here’s to existing!

Just Gimme The Truth

2006-03-09T13:47:00.000-08:00

I’ve had a few discussions about the nature of truth. I often walk away from these little thinkfests certain that there is no one single truth, and there is no one reality.

You see it looks like truth is based on your experience, so it changes and can differ from person to person. Yes, I can buy this as long as I don’t think too hard. But if I get ta chewin’ on the idea of multi-levels of reality, I get queasy.

Why? Well, because these “there is no absolute truth” thoughts lead to the idea that there must be many contradicting truths and realities. And I do not do contradictions. I like my shyt cut and dry. All this abstract ruminating might be fascinating, but I gotta say it makes me uncomfortable.

Look, I won’t lie… I can accept my truth as being true, but I’m just not gonna simply accept yours - at least not when you’re a$$ is dead wrong. See what I’m saying?

All right, before I get all nervous about all these possible instabilities and muti-layered realities and contradicting truths let me try to just get practical.

Okay, practically speaking, if someone could promise me a single truth, what difference would it make? Hmmmm... It would make an important difference. I like stability and I don’t want to live in a world where truth is whatever we want it to be. Gimme an absolute and let me sit my butt down.

Here's to somebody's version of the truth being right!

Conversations With God, hmmmm?

2006-03-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

In a comment on my previous post a reader recommended I check out Neal Donald Walsch.

I did a bit of spelunking and found that Walsch's philosophy is summed up on his website. Apparently, his message can be reduced to four basic ideas:

We are all one.
There's enough.
There's nothing we have to do.
Ours is not a better way, ours is merely another way.

Interesting!

I was taken aback when I stumbled on this entry in Walsch’s Blog:

Well, Conversations with God says that life has no purpose, save the purpose we give it. That's the beauty and the wonder of it. God has not sent us here and told us what to do. God has sent us here and said, You tell me what you want to do. But make it good. Because out of what you decide, you define yourself. Every act is an act of self-definition. We are a piece of divine art in the making. We are creating ourselves, even as we go. On the fly, as it were.

Something about this statement doesn’t sit right with me. Just last night I was talking to Jedi about the idea of self. He was sharing his belief that Satan is all about the self… self-promotion, self-centeredness. Walsch’s discussion of self-definition, self-creation took me back to my conversation with Jedi.

The writer’s insistance that life has no purpose other than the one we give it is suspect. I’m just not buying the thought that the only meaning there is is the one we provide. I believe that God created us with a purpose beyond anything we could have created for ourselves.

As I continued my spelunking, I came across a very cutting criticism of Walsch and his philosophy. Marcia Montenegro concludes that:

(Walsch’s) messages do line up consistently and completely with the messages of someone we know from Genesis chapter 3 — someone who questioned God’s Word, called God a liar, told Adam and Eve that they could be like God, and that they would not die. This someone was the serpent, also known as Satan. In fact, the attacks on Christ, on salvation by grace, on marriage and the family, on God’s Word, on the body, on absolute truth, on the reality of heaven, hell and the devil, and the promotion of sorcery and Gnostic philosophies are a perfect picture of what Satan would say and would want us to believe.

If truly dictated by a spiritual being, this book is a thinly veiled attempt by Satan to sound like God, misquoting Scripture and twisting everything around. Typical of Satan, the ideas are complicated, contradictory and open-ended, and the answers are often evasive. Preaching love and the "highest" choices and thoughts — this is an angel of light (2 Cor. 11:14) sweet-talking us into believing we are God and can do anything we want to do. However, Satan tips his hand too often; his hostility to Christ and his constant attacks on God’s Word give him away.

Conversations with God? Actually, this book is just the opposite.

My investigation has me curious. I think I’ll read one of Neal Donald Walsch’s books and decide for myself if he’s got it right, or if he’s just another New Ager who’s confused about who’s who.

Here's to God being God!

Me and My Religion

2006-03-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

I’ve often been put off by the “show” of church and have longed to be a part of a community dedicated to worship, study, and action without all the hoopla! Of course, I don’t question the sincerity of people who “need” to approach God from this place. In many ways, I recognize it as a result of the “entertainment” driven society we live in. Some well-meaning people just don’t seem to understand. Perhaps they don’t yet have the ability to go deeper than a few up-tempo songs and animated, repetitive preaching styles. Fortunately, I also believe that God will meet each of us where we are and lead us where He will.

I have a few favorite preachers. People I believe have helped me develop. If Joyce Meyer had a fan club, I’d join. That’s a strange thing to say… I know, but I really admire that woman. I’ve been warned not to get into the man/woman, but the message. I wholeheartedly agree with that. It is true that following behind a person is dangerous. People can’t be trusted. But again I say that God will deal with that. God can use popular, powerful preachers (even horribly flawed ones) to draw people to him, and I believe that he does just that.

Christians, like any person attempting to live by an ethical code are often accused of hypocrisy. And the accusation is frequently justified. Face it; we all have a bit of hypocrite in us, don’t we? A hidden self that we’d prefer no one else saw. For some of us, that self is so well hidden that we don’t even see it... don’t even acknowledge its influence over the things we say, do, and think. However, if we are truthful we can’t deny its existence. All we can do is take it to God, pray to be changed, trust, and then follow him as best we can.

Not that long ago someone wrote me a rather long email explaining his views on religion. In it he said:

I love the word ability which means the life of Holiness that God commands us to live he also lets us know it is possible and enables us to live it by the dumanis that he wants to put in us. This word dumanis Paul chose for power means it has nothing to do with our strength or ability or any other human means but an inner strengthening and ability that comes from the Lord.

I didn't agree with many of the things this gentleman wrote, however I liked what he was trying to say about the use of the word “ability”! Yes, God enables us… gives us the ability to live Godly lives. However, I’m not sure that means that we can live sin-free. I think what it means is that we can do what is suggested in Micah… love justice, be merciful, and walk humbly with God.

I am a fairly complex woman… a thinker, yes, even a worrier. In the past, I’ve cluttered up my mind with all kinds of details that did little to lead me to, or help me understand what God was trying to reveal to me. It wasn’t until I allowed myself to focus on what I’ve come to think of as the big three – justice, mercy, and humility that I began to grow. And truthfully, as my Jedi has been quick to tell me, if I do a good job with those things, I’ve done just about all I can do! More importantly, I’ll feel like I’m doing what I’ve been called to do…

AND WHAT DOES HE REQUIRE OF US? Justice, mercy, and humility!

It is with a certain degree of simplicity that I approach the Word! Jesus preached in parables… simple stories with profound messages. When I study the bible, I try to remember that. I look for the message and try not to get too caught up in the details. Personally, I believe it keeps me away from false doctrine and religiosity. To me God’s message is a simple one… Love God, Love yourself, and Love your neighbor. Sometimes I think doing that will draw more people to God than all the preaching in the world. You feel me?

Vacation Plan Update

2006-03-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

It’s getting clooooooser! Three weeks and yes, I’m counting the days. I just got off the phone with my Delta-workin’ girl cousin and the “Buddy” pass is all lined up! I’ll be able to fly round trip for a mere $170.00 (on expedia.com the lowest fares are over $500.00). I’d say I owe my darlin’ cousin a big thank you and a little giftie! 'Scuze me while I check out Scented Monkey… the girl does like a nice perfume!

This vacation is really a blessing. Besides the deeply discounted airfare, I'm going to be a guest at a family friend's Bed and Breakfast. It sits on a cliff overlooking the ocean. I'm hoping to take quality photographs that she might like to use in her advertising. Other than taking pictures and hiking I don't have any real plans for my time. I just want a change of scenery, ya know? Just a little break from the grind.

Here's to my getaway!

If You Weren't In Crash...

2006-03-06T16:07:00.000-08:00

This Is What I Call A Dress!

2006-03-06T15:47:00.000-08:00

I don't usually go ga-ga over clothes, but I absolutely love the dress Jennifer Lopez wore to the Academy Awards. I'm posting pictures of the gown on my blog, because you never know when you'll get to present an Oscar.

All I Gotta Say Is...

2006-03-05T19:36:00.000-08:00

You know it's hard out here for a pimp
When he tryin to get this money for the rent
For the Cadillacs and gas money spent
Because a whole lot of @#$%^&* talkin *&^%
Will have a whole lot of @#$%^&* talkin *&^%

In my eyes I done seen some crazy thangs in the streets
Gotta couple *&#$ workin on the changes for me
But I gotta keep my game tight like Kobe on game night
Like takin from a *& don't know no better, I know that ain't right
Done seen people killed, done seen people deal
Done seen people live in poverty with no meals
It's (*&^%$ up where I live, but that's just how it is
It might be new to you, but it's been like this for years
It's blood sweat and tears when it come down to this *&^%
I'm tryin to get rich 'fore I leave up out this @#$%^
I'm tryin to have thangs but it's hard fo' a pimp
But I'm prayin and I'm hopin to God I don't slip, yeah

Man it seems like I'm duckin dodgin bullets everyday
%$99&* hatin on me cause I got, *&#$ on the tray
But I gotta stay paid, gotta stay above water
Couldn't keep up with my *&#$, that's when *&^% got harder
North Memphis where I'm from, I'm 7th Street bound
Where %$99&* all the time end up lost and never found
Man these girls think we prove thangs, leave a big head
They come hopin every night, they don't end up bein dead
Wait I got a snow bunny, and a black girl too
You pay the right price and they'll both do you
That's the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly pimpin
Gotta have my hustle tight, makin change off these women, yeah

It's hard out here for a censor
from Army Archerd's Blog

The nominated tune "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" from "Hustle & Flow" with music and lyric by Jordan Houston ("Juicy Jay"), Cedric Coleman ("Freysier Boy") and Paul Beauregard ("Deejay Paul") has, by my count, 10 repeated words which would not pass network clearances. They are "fuck," "shit" and "niggaz."
Producer Gil Cates says when he informed the trio that those words would have to be changed, they immediately told him they'd alter 'em. Meanwhile, Cates said "bitch" and "ho's" are ok since they're already heard on network shows.

Here's to ummmm... Best Original Song!

I'ma Talk About Shopping, Too!

2006-03-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

I noticed that a lot of my favorite Lady Bloggers talk about shopping. Well, heck... I shop... sometimes. As a matter of fact, I went out and purchased a few things today. So there!

I picked up a new messenger bag for my daughter. I brought her a matching purple leather wallet to hold her well-deserved credit card and checkbook. I took my mother to lunch. I got my daughter some hair accessories. I snagged a piece of fudge that my mom was quick to tell me contained an entire day’s calories. And then... and then... and then I walked by the fine jewelry counter and lost my mind.

I'm a bauble lover. Unfortunately, I'm allergic to metal. Anything that touches my skin must be gold. A belt buckle that brushes against my belly will create a raised itchy red rash, so costume jewelry is a no-no. For a long time, I couldn’t afford the good stuff and had to go without. No watch, no earrings, no necklaces, no bracelets. No bling.

During my second year in college my parents gave me my first real piece of jewelry - a strand of pearls with a delicate gold clasp that they picked up in Morocco. I still wear them. Somewhere along the line I got a simple pair of small gold hoop earrings. When I was married my husband gave me a lovely gold band with gorgeous channel set diamonds. I eventually was able to buy myself a gold watch. It took me six months of layaway payments, but I was finally able to stop asking passing strangers if they had the time. Three years ago, I got a large monetary award at work and I used it to take a solo cruise and buy two diamond bracelets, a gold herringbone bracelet, and a heavy gold chain duty free. I was set. Until I got my hair cut short and fell in love with big earrings.

I’m a collector at heart and artsy gold earrings are one of my passions. My collection is still small, but it’s growing. Once every few months I treat myself. So when that jewelry counter called my name I responded, “Why the 'ell not!”

Here's to finding a really cool $485.00 pair of earrings at %50 off!

Oscar Night

2006-03-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

I'm going to watch the award show tonight for the first time in forever. I've promised a certain bloggin' celebrity nut that I'd watch Terrance sing the "it's so hard to be a piiiiimp" song. Lawd, have mercy! Anyway, just in case this award show is as dull as it has been in the past I'm considering letting the M&M's entertain me! Wanna play along?

Here's to M&M's the official candy of the Oscars... I guess!

Don't Ask!

2006-03-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

Vacation Countdown

2006-03-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

Pender Islands, British Columbia

Here's to April and a much needed vacation!

The Little Weasel

2006-03-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

All right! What’s the point of having a blog if you are not going to vent every once in awhile? Well, this is my once and I’m gonna let it out.

First I need to get myself situated. Shoes off. Seat adjusted. Diet Lemon-Lime Sierra Mist can full-a Vodka. Yes, I said “VODKA”. I learned this trick from my boy Michael Jackson. I may not have a private plane, but doggoneit I’ve got my craft room and that’s good enough for me. After the day I’ve had I need a drink. Why the can? Well, cause I want to… that’s why?

I have had a hellified bad day! Yes, hellified. And it’s all because of that little man.

Look, have you noticed that I don’t talk about work. Heck, after the blogging airline steward got canned I figured I’d leave the company I work for outta my blog. They’re good people… a solid defense contracting corporation that’s done a-okay by your girl. I’ve got no complaints. I enjoy my work, my co-workers, my environment… all that. It’s all good. But… oh, there’s always a “but” isn’t there… It’s all good, but this little man is about to make me lose my mind. I hate weasely people and this guy is a first class weasel. He even looks the part. A long slender body with short legs and this thin greasy brown fur… I mean hair… that’s parted way too far over to the side. The man’s razor sharp part is right over his left ear. Anyway, he’s sneaky and treacherous and today he went too far.

I had to go gunslingin’ today and I really don’t like to do that. I really don’t! I’m a peaceful, cooperative woman, but boyfriend was taking advantage, manipulating, not being truthful… HE WAS LYING!

Breathe, girl.
See without going into the details (the details are boring and unimportant) what I’ve been dealing with is one of those people who run around bothering others, asking questions, ignoring the answers, and then asking someone else until somebody says something that he can completely misinterpret to be what he wants to hear. Then he carries that misinterpretation around to all the other people he’s been worrying the piss out of until nobody knows what the truth is anymore.

Have you ever dealt with someone like this?

Well, if you do, you’ll find that what happens is in the end all the principals have to sit down behind closed doors and sort the mess out. Well, that’s what I spent my day doing… running from meeting to meeting trying to sort out eight months worth of mess.

Now… now I’ma drink my vodka outta my soda can and call it done!

Here’s to the weekend!

I Wanna Play

2006-03-02T16:05:00.000-08:00

I’m in a mood. I’ve been very productive today and now I just wanna have some fun. Trouble is I don’t have anyone to play with. I’m like a kid in a room full of toys with no little friends to come over and enjoy them! This certainly is pitiful. I’m about two minutes from whining, “I’m bored!”

Gosh, that makes me think of my mother saying, “Girl, get out from under me and find something to do.”

Well, heck. Let me do what my mamma would probably still advise me to do and find something (or someone) to occupy my evening!

Here’s to playtime!

Ash Wednesday

2006-03-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

Remember, man, that thou art dust and unto dust thou shalt return.

The first Christians observed with great devotion the days of our Lord's passion and resurrection, and it became the custom of the Church to prepare for the Easer season with a period of penitence and fasting - Lent. Lent provided a time in which converts to the faith were prepared for Baptism. It was also a time when the whole congregation was reminded of the message of pardon and absolution central to the Gospel. Today the Lenten season is set aside to remember the need to continually renew the Christian’s repentance and faith.

Lent is a time of self-examination. It is a time of prayer, fasting, and self-denial. Many people have the false notion that Lent is only about giving something up. It is more than that - much more. The season is marked by reading and meditating on God’s Word and it is marked by the idea of conversion - change. Change is not just sacrificing something... it often involves excepting something. Change is about taking on new behaviors.

Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent. During the Ash Wednesday Service each person is marked on the forehead with ashes made from burnt palms. The ashes represent our immortality. They remind us that this life is temporary. They point to another life - an eternal one.

The Celebrant begins by offering a prayer:

Almighty God, you have created us out of the dust of the earth: Grant that these ashes may be to us a sign of our mortality and penitence, that we may remember that it is only by your gracious gift that we are given everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

Then as he marks each participant with the black ashes he will say:

Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

It really is a beautiful ceremony full of meaning.

Here's to remembering Isaiah 58:

Do you think the LORD wants you to give up eating and to act as humble as a bent-over bush?
Or to dress in sackcloth and sit in ashes?
Is this really what he wants on a day of worship?

I'll tell you what it really means to worship the LORD.
Remove the chains of prisoners who are chained unjustly.
Free those who are abused!
Share your food with everyone who is hungry;
share your home with the poor and homeless.
Give clothes to those in need;
don't turn away your relatives.
Then your light will shine like the dawning sun, and you will quickly be healed.
Your honesty will protect you as you advance, and the glory of the LORD will defend you from behind.
When you beg the LORD for help, he will answer, "Here I am!"

Don't mistreat others or falsely accuse them or say something cruel.
Give your food to the hungry and care for the homeless.
Then your light will shine in the dark; your darkest hour will be like the noonday sun.
The LORD will always guide you and provide good things to eat when you are in the desert.
He will make you healthy.
You will be like a garden that has plenty of water or like a stream that never runs dry.

A HUGE MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-01T07:59:00.000-08:00

I’ve got to get this off my chest.

Read it! Don’t read it! This is just me working through some stuff.

See, my husband has made some costly financial mistakes. He’s not paid things he should have paid. He’s messed up his checking accounts. He’s ruined his credit.

Watching him has made me extra cautious (*shhhh… paranoid*). I’m a stickler for paying debts on time (*shhhh… obsessive/compulsive*). Every recurring bill I have is paid in full each month through my bank. Everything. Mortgage, Lawn Service, Utilities, Cell Phones, American Express, Everything! You see, I do everything I can to keep a good credit score and avoid unnecessary fees/interest. The only accounts I pay interest on are my auto loan - 3.9%, and my mortgage – 5.6%. Everything else that I need I purchase with cash, or I negotiate 90 days same as cash, or I use a 0% balance transfer credit card.

Also, to ensure I don’t have any banking dramas I keep a $10,000.00 line of credit on my accounts. The LOC makes it possible for me to breathe easy. I don’t have to worry about bills hitting the account at the wrong time. I just watch the LOC online and keep that balance zero’d out before the bank has to charge interest.

All right, I’m telling you all this to say that I made what to me is a HUGE move yesterday. I helped my daughter get her first VISA cash card.

Now I know that for most people this is no big deal. But for me it is a… I’ll say it again… it is a HUGE move.

My child is under 18 and can’t open this kind of account on her own. She has a savings account her Grandpa started for her. She can deposit money, but she can’t take any out. She currently has just under 10K in that account. She’s saved almost every penny that she’s ever earned and I periodically add to her stash.

Anyway, she’s getting older now. She has the car she got for her birthday, she’s got to buy gas and crap she refers to as “whatnot”! With the new responsibility of a car she’s been asking me about a cash card. I’ve been putting the discussion off, because I haven’t been comfortable with the idea of a 16 year old with a credit card. Keeping up on the balance and making sure you’re not getting hit with NSF fees is a chore. Most adults screw up at one point or another. It is a lot to expect from a young girl who may only have a couple of hundred in her account to begin with.

Well, after she made honor roll for like the third semester in a row I decided to set my concerns aside and give this cash card thing a try.

We went to the bank last night and set up an account for her. I chose my bank and not her Grandpa’s bank. I wanted to make sure there was no connection between her “we don’t mess with this money under any circumstance” savings and this little “Mamma gonna teach you how to manage credit” checking account.

The young woman that helped us set things up was cool. I’d already schooled her on what I was trying to accomplish. I asked her to break the hard cold facts of banking down to my almost a woman little girl. The banker did a great job. She made it seem like one mistake, one miscalculation, or one impulsive purchase could cost my child her entire financial future. Yep, she put the fear of God in my kid. She was also quick to remind my daughter that her account was connected to mine and the bank would be able to go into my accounts to cover any negative balance she might incur. Girlfriend’s eyes bulged at the thought.

Now I’m happy with my bank, but I’m not trying to help them line their coffers with my child’s hard earned money, so this is what I did - I put a comfortable buffer in my daughter’s account. I told her that that buffer was MY money. Not a penny of it belonged to her and not a cent of it was she to touch. I told her that MY money was her safety net. Instead of the bank being the one to come after her with exorbitant fees I’d stand between her and trouble. The deal is that I will watch her account online, just like I watch my own. If she dips into the buffer she’ll have to deal with me. Again, girlfriend’s eyes bulged at the thought.

I think this set up will work okay. I want my girl as ready for the world as she can be and I have to, as her parent, help her along. Learning to manage money is a skill that will carry her far.

Here’s to stepping away from one of my hang-ups and teaching my kid another of life’s little lessons!

Have You Been Here?

2006-02-28T17:02:00.000-08:00

I Like This Stayin' Home Stuff

2006-02-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

If only it would pay the bills. Yes, I ain't gonna lie - if I wanted to live hand to mouth, I'd stay home every day!

My niece cracked us up the other day. My mother was trying to teach her the importance of saving part of the money she is earning with her after school job. My niece says, "Grandma, I wanna live paycheck to paycheck!" Now, what the heck do you say to that! Ummm, Ummm, Ummm! Well, after today I'm kinda seeing where Niecy is comin' from! Living life day to day ain't all that bad!

Alas, I've got this girl to finish raising. Hand to mouth and paycheck to paycheck is not going to work for Miss. Thing. Don't get me wrong... she's not greedy... just very expensive. The other day she ran out of gas. I asked her why she let that happen. She says, "Mom, I haven't wanted to ask, but I'm livin' on "E"!" Well, I can't have that! My child is not going to live her life on empty. Not as long as Momma got breath in her body and Miss Thing is workin' hard, following the rules, and doing her teenage best. Nope... tomorrow I go back to work and thank God for my job!

Here's to starting a new week and not having to push Pork and Pancakes for a living!

I'm Watching Crash

2006-02-27T15:01:00.000-08:00

Hey, I'm 15 minutes into Crash. I gotta ask a certain guy why he wanna make me mad on my day off!

Now you know I been dealing with Pork... why would you think I'd be able to casually watch this LA Police Officer feel this woman up!

And these stupid car jackers... Lawd.

We got things to discusss!

*Done... Clap... Clap... Clap*

Brilliant! Talk about a well crafted story.

Like I said... We got things to discuss!

Well, I couldn't get the third movie... it wasn't in. I'll have to save that for later, but this has been a good movie day... 2 for 2. Throw in some microwave popcorn and a grilled cheese sandwich and you've got one happy camper.

Here's to a day off!

My Day Off

2006-02-27T12:33:00.000-08:00

I took the day off today. Yea, buddy! I’m free. I wasn’t sure how I wanted to spend the day. I’ve got books to read. I’ve got a house to tidy up. I haven’t been ME shopping in a good little while. The camera store is always a draw. I could stand to go to the bank. I could pull out the Canon and take pictures. I could go for a long walk in the park, or…

I could have a moviethon. There are so many things I haven’t seen.

Well, I opted for the movies. I have a list of three:

Hustle and Flow

Crash

Diary of a Mad Black Woman

*Sometime later*

I just finished Hustle and Flow… Everybody has got to have a dream.

Loved it!

I watched H&F via Movies On demand. Now, I’ve got to make a run to Blockbuster.

Here’s to Crash and Diary and a pint of Chocolate Almond Ice Cream!

Pushin' Pork and Pancakes

2006-02-27T08:50:00.000-08:00

I spent the weekend pushin’. Yes, pushin’… pushin’ Pork and Pancakes. That’s right… I been preparing to push, pushin’, and cleanin’ up after the push! If I never see another sausage, slice-a-ham, or pancake it’ll be okay with me.

Now, I should say that this little annual Pancake Breakfast is a fundraiser for my religious community. Can you tell we ain’t Jewish or Muslim? Naw, we’s Christians and we believe in cloven hoofed meat products. The mere suggestion that we change up the menu is met with outraged scoffs. I know… I’ve tried. It is hard to get folks to break with tradition. “What! No Pork and Pancakes! Don’t you know chile it ain’t breakfast without the Pig?” Oh well!

We served eggs, too. I’ll be dealing with eggs for the foreseeable future. A tinfoil vat of uncooked liquid eggs spilled in my Jeep. Thank God for leather interiors. I figured if I turned the heated seats on, I could get a couple dozen good breakfasts out of the seats. Sizzle. Sizzle. Who wants fried eggs!

Actually, I have to be honest. This year wasn’t too bad. No fights broke out in the kitchen. No good Christian customers pulled a weapon because the guy next to them got a bigger pancake or got served faster. It was very peaceful and the congregation seemed to have fun.

I won’t even mention how my gorgeous cousin shows up lookin’ good - not a splat of batter on her cute little outfit - to do her one and only job. She walks in with her preppy lookin’ son on her hip and says… “Service is almost over. I thought I’d do my part and let you know the people will be coming soon!”

My Dad coerced even the “I’m on social security ladies” into buying raffle tickets. He’s so charming those ladies would do whatever he asked. I did notice that he ate two breakfasts, but I won’t say anything!

My Mom (the official scrambled eggs queen) only got mad once. She’d done pretty well till the carrot cake incident. See, all day she kept saying in a good humored way, “My name is bin-it and I’m not in it! Don’t ask me when the eggs will be ready! You’ll get ‘em when they’re done!” Then she found out that at the tail end of the event some of her carrot cakes were sold at half-price and that just sent her over the edge. She says she’ll never bake again and just give money next time cuz the bake sale ladies jumped the gun and lowered prices too soon!

Lord knows what Mom would have done if she’d seen my Auntie trying to give food away. We were spared finding out. I stepped in before Mom could detect Auntie’s give ‘em big plates conspiracy. Me, I’m all for the bottom line so every time I saw my favorite Aunt overfill a plate I’d snatch it and take some off, “One scoop! One scoop! Two Cakes! One Sausage! One Slice-a-ham! We’re here to make money, Honey!”

I was reminded once again that folks get picky over their $5 for charity pancake breakfast. There is a make mine dark contingent and a make mine light group. I say… get out there and trade plates. Don’t bother us slaves working in the hot, pancake batter-splattered, pig greased kitchen. “No special orders! One scoop! Two Cakes! One Sausage! One Slice-a-ham! We’re here to make money, Honey!”

Here's to Christian work!

Diary-X

2006-02-26T13:08:00.000-08:00

A lesson for us all.

There’s a diary I read on Diary-X. A week or so ago, I went to catch up on my girl’s life and found a notice stating that there had been a drive failure. Uh Oooooh! Not good, but they have backups, right? WRONG! Today, I go to check the situation and there’s a new notice stating that the drive could not be recovered. There are no backups, and the site will be closing down. GEEZ. Imagine losing all that work… all those written accounts of your personal history. GEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone who keeps a blog knows just how much time and energy goes into it. I’m so sorry this happened.

As for the lesson…

Here’s to doing frequent and thorough backups!

Bravo

2006-02-24T17:52:00.000-08:00

All may not live to reach the Tower, but I believe that those who do reach it will stand and be true.

Stephen King
Wizard and Glass - Afterword
1996

Here's to:

Finishing Wizard and Glass, The Dark Tower IV!

Starting Wolves of the Calla, The Dark Tower V!

And Stephen King for gifting us with one 'ell of a good story!

Holding My Tongue

2006-02-23T21:14:00.000-08:00

I’ve been watching this little drama unfold and from day one I’ve wanted to shout, “Run! Get away as fast as you can! This guy is bad news. Sweet as can be, but not intimate relationship material. Boyfriend’s got issues… wait capitalize that… BOYFRIEND’S GOT ISSUES!!!!!!!!!!!! Save yourself, darlin’. You are so obviously a good woman. Sensitive. Funny. Loyal. Smart. Honey, you're just the type he’s attracted to. But sweetie, attracted or not he ain’t gonna be able to handle you. Listen to me, you're gonna get your heart stepped on. Take it from me, sistah girl – it’ll come to no good because drawin' you in, lovin' you up, and then runnin' scared is his MO.”

Yup, heaven knows I’ve wanted to intervene, I really have. But, following the sound advice of friends, I’ve stayed out of it. Truly, tempting as it was, minding my own business was the right thing to do. Besides, I’m not a shyt starter and starting shyt was all stepping in would have done. Sometimes ya gotta hold your tongue and let folks see for themselves.

Man, are there a lot of emotionally confused people in the world!!!!!! That’s all I’m gonna say! Well, maybe that’s not all I’ll say. I’ll add this:

Here's to AVOIDING THEM!

I’m In Awe

2006-02-22T09:06:00.000-08:00

I'm In Awe Of My Jedi!!!

I’m telling you sometimes I forget just who I’m dealing with. As I’ve gotten to know this man, I’ve moved beyond the WOW stage and begun to accept him as a friend. In the process, I’ve forgotten certain things. I’ve forgotten the things that made me ask, “Who are you?” As my questions were answered, one by one, I started to see a whole person and not just this wise voice coming at me over the Internet. This is a good thing - a balanced way to look at a person. However, every once in awhile he writes something, or says something that reminds me that I’m not dealing with the ordinary. At those times… I feel awe and… and an incredible sense of gratitude.

For the first time in my life, I have someone who challenges me without making me feel less than. For the first time in my life, I have someone who I feel I can turn to to gain perspective… a real person and not some theory. You know, I’ve always turned to books to help me understand the world. To give me advice. To entertain me. To befriend me. To comfort me. It is nice to be able to go to a real life person for the things I once could only seem to find in some brilliant someone’s writing.

There is an expression I’ve picked up from Wizard and Glass… "well met".

We are well met, Jedi!

What a gift!

Here's to a Padawan saying Thank-You!

A Modern Crystal Ball

2006-02-21T17:29:00.000-08:00

Book IV of the Dark Tower series features a despicable witch, Rhea, who’s got a crystal ball secreted away. Rhea becomes enthralled with the glass orb. She spends her days spying on the people she detests, plotting against her enemies, and gloating over her ability to watch the world at its worst as she discovers everyone’s nasty little secrets.

Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but as I read the description of Witch Rhea’s obsessive relationship with her crystal ball, I couldn’t help but think about my own little window into other people’s lives – my laptop. There’s no magic here… it’s all science… zeros and ones, but it in many ways allows me an inroad into the private world of others.

Of course, the information I can get at on the web - blogs, forum posts, that kind of thing - are out there to be read. It’s not like I’m spying; yet the principle is the same. I can watch people secretly. Fortunately, I’m not interested in studying people I detest; I’m not looking for the seedy side of the human condition; naw, I’m just happy to get to know the wonderful people I meet online…

Here’s to my modern day crystal ball!

Rhea The Vampire Witch

2006-02-21T15:15:00.000-08:00

Illustration by Dave McKean

Let's Talk About Stress

2006-02-21T06:58:00.000-08:00

I’ve got a wall built around my stress. Not a wall exactly… it is more like a curtain… a shower curtain. Yes, that’s it. The barrier that separates me from my stress is like an opaque plastic liner that keeps the spray of water from escaping the confines of the shower. It is a thin obstruction that protects the floor, but does nothing to stop the flow of water, does nothing to disguise the fact that a soggy mess is waiting on the other side.

Today, scalding drops of my stress are pelting away at that simple little protective liner I’ve installed in my mind. Pelting away. I can’t feel the hot droplets slashing at my skin, but I know that if the liner gives, if it shifts, if it pulls away even a tiny bit, I’m going to get burned. Bad.

At this point, the thing that interests me is not the stress. No, the stress I think I understand. The stress is something that we all just have to live with. The thing that interests me is the barrier… the liner… the protective mechanism that I’ve devised. That’s what I’m wondering about.

See, I’m asking myself… What have you used to build this wall? What is it made of? Courage or Cowardice? Love or Hate? Life or Death? Light or Shadow?

Here's to holding steady!

Seeing The Way Out

2006-02-19T06:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is easier to see someone else’s way out of Plato’s Cave than it is to find our own escape route. We build obstacles to block the exit without even realizing that we’re doing it. We run around in circles hoping to avoid the hard stuff, hoping to keep ourselves off pain’s path, but it is often the painful road that leads to the truth’s door.

That’s why we need each other! We need other people to act as compass… not to rule over us, but to help us set our course, and more importantly, we need friends willing to walk the painful path with us.

I’m going to write more… later.

Hold tight!

*Hours Pass*

I'm back!

I just got my “Church” on! I think of Sunday as the last day of the week. I know that it is supposed to be the first; heck, all you have to do is look at a calendar to know that, but for me it has always been the finale. It’s always been an opportunity to review my week, remember to be thankful, see where I’ve made mistakes, seek forgiveness for my transgressions, offer forgiveness to those who have offended me, and refuel so that I can move on.

Now, where was I...

Goodness... will I ever finish this thought... gotta go!

*Many more hours later*

Nope, guess this will be tomorrow's little project!

They've Taken Over My Life

2006-02-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

Lately, my blog is starting to look like a collection of book reviews and read-me recommendations. I guess that’s where my head has been of late - stuck in a book - or rather - a series of books.

I’ve been flying through The Dark Tower series and like King’s little ka-tet I’m totally immersed in the quest!

I’m officially halfway though the series with the center mark being the middle of Wizard and Glass, Book IV. Surprisingly, this novel is basically a romance featuring star-crossed lovers, stolen kisses and all that good breathless-heaving-virginal-bosom stuff. Throw in a witch, a few youthful gunslingers, a really weird post-apocalyptic old-west style town, then add a crystal ball that glows pink and you’ve got yourself a pretty good story.

Sadly, my own writing is suffering. I just won’t be able to focus on much of anything till I get myself to that darn Dark Tower. Stephen King and these books of his have taken over my life!

Here's to discovering this series rather late in the game and being spared a long and frustrating wait between releases! Oh, and here's to getting my life back... one day!

Replay by Ken Grimwood

2006-02-15T07:12:00.000-08:00

For those of us who are enamored with the idea of time-travel… For those who have thought about what we’d do if we could re-live our lives… For those of us who found The Butterfly Effect fascinating… I have a book recommendation.

Grimwood answers the question:
What if you could live your life over again? and again? and again?

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T16:55:00.000-08:00

Beloved,

Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

(1 John 4:7-8)

Here's to a Happy Valentine's Day full of God's Love!

What Would They Say

2006-02-11T13:33:00.000-08:00

I've just returned from my brother-in-law's funeral. Even with the house full of people, I wanted to take a moment with my blog and jot this down.

I've often wondered what the deceased would say, if given one last chance to stand before the people they loved. If somewhere between the eulogy and the internment the dead could rise and say a final farewell, I believe they'd leave these words of love and encouragement.

To You Whom I Have Treasured
Adapted from the poem
A Psalm for the Dying
by Edward Hays

My last breath did not say goodbye,
for my love for you is timeless,
beyond the touch of death.

I leave myself to your memory with love.
I leave my thoughts, my laughter, my dreams,
to you whom I have treasured
beyond gold and precious gems.

I give you what no thief can steal,
the memories of our times together,
the tender, love-filled moments,
the successes we shared,
the hard times that often brought us closer,
and the roads we walked side by side.

I also leave you a solemn promise that
now that I am home in the bosom of God
I will still be present
whenever and wherever you call on me.
My energy will be drawn to you
by the magnet of our love.

Whenever you are in need, call me.
I will come to you
with my arms full of wisdom and light
to open your blocked paths,
to untangle your knots,
and to be your avenue to God.

All I take with me as I leave are
your love and the millions of memories
of all that we have shared.
And so I enter my new life
truly blessed for us having been together.
For this I say thank you.

Fear not, nor grieve too long at my departure,
you whom I have loved so very much,
for my roots and yours
are forever intertwined.

Friday Nights = Battlestar Galactica

2006-02-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

Friday nights are now synonymous with Battlestar Galactica!

Here's to the sci-fi lovin' nerd alive and kicking in LightAndShadow.

Hey Psst...

2006-02-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

You Know Who...

Come 'ere!

Here's to telling him - Whatever we had is DEAD! I don't know about you, but digging up the smelly carcass of a rotted out and completely lifeless relationship brings me no pleasure.

Here's to Erykah Badu siiingin'... See Ya Next Lifetime!

Quote from The Drawing of Three

2006-02-09T17:20:00.000-08:00

"It was dead, but he meant to have his way with it all the same; he had never been so fundamentally hurt, and it had all been so unexpected."
Illustration by

Michael Whelan

In this quote from, The Drawing of Three, Stephen King is referring to a lobster. His character, The Gunslinger, was badly bitten by this lobstrosity losing a couple of fingers and a toe to the collie-sized nocturnal sea-monster.

The Gunslinger ended up killing the creature, but even after it was clearly dead he kept hitting and kicking it.

When I read this part of the story, I thought not of monsters, but of all the other already "dead" things in our lives that we keep fighting with. When hurt is so strong that it seeks retribution long past the hour of reckoning it is sad isn't it? Sad and wasteful.

Here's to ending our battle with what is already dead!

Sojourners, God's Politics and The Prayer of Jabez

2006-02-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

Sometime last year I was hanging out at Borders and I ran across a book by Jim Wallis called God’s Politics: Why the Right Gets It Wrong and the Left Doesn’t Get It.

Here’s a brief excerpt:

Since when did believing in God and having moral values make you pro-war, pro-rich, and pro-Republican? And since when did promoting and pursuing a progressive social agenda with a concern for economic security, health care, and educational opportunity mean you had to put faith in God aside?

God's Politics offers a clarion call to make both our religious communities and our government more accountable to key values of the prophetic religious tradition - that is, make them pro-justice, pro-peace, pro-environment, pro-equality, pro-consistent ethic of life(beyond single issue voting), and pro-family (without making scapegoats of single mothers or gays and lesbians). These are the values of love and justice, reconciliation, and community that Jesus taught and that are at the core of what many of us believe, Christian or not.

Needless to say, I abandoned my random book hopping and carried Wallis’ God’s Politics to the bookstore café and dove right in. Soon after, I did an Internet search to learn more about this man and his message. That’s how I found Sojourners – A ministry whose mission is to integrate spiritual renewal and social justice.

Currently the site features an article that is written in part to make us think about how God acts in response to the prayers of the faithful. So often we believe that if we have faith God will work miracles in our lives. We look for him… expect him to bless us. Some of us tie those blessing… not to God’s will, but to our own faith.

A couple of years ago, my mother and I went to a Christian Women’s Conference. Twenty Thousand women from all over the country were housed in hotels all around the city and transported via private coaches to the civic center. On one of those bus rides I sat next to a young woman from the east coast. She was friendly, animated and she and I got into a conversation about prosperity ministries that I’ve never forgotten.

She said, “People that preach prosperity are absolutely right. God wants us to prosper. He has it out there for us. We need only believe.“

I remember looking at her and saying, “But what about all the sick and starving people in the world? Do they suffer because they have no faith?”

She looked absolutely taken aback. I don’t think she’d ever considered the world outside her own little church community!

“You know,” I told her, “perhaps we can’t tie God’s mercy to material blessings. If we do, then what do we say to the vast majority of people that live without. Do we say… see, you don’t have a strong faith. Surely, they must. To continue to believe in God while you suffer takes great faith.”

Currently, there is an article on Sojourners that caught my attention. It is about The Prayer of Jabez… I’m sure your are at least familiar with the million seller by Bruce Wilkinson in which he wrote a short study of the following prayer:

"Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request." 1 Cronicles 4:10

The Sojourner discusses the philosophy Bruce Wilkinson espouses in The Prayer of Jabez and how that philosophy played out when Wilkinson carried it into AIDS ridden Africa.

The article writer highlights a passage in Hebrews that encourages us to have "faith in things not yet seen," and offers models of individuals who tried to lead devoted lives that honor God, prayed, were heard, but thier prayers did not always bring them material riches or expanded territory.

The article ends with this thought:

But the weight of the biblical message balances heavily toward a prayer life that yields courage, love, and compassion to do the will of God. The expectation of material gain and miraculous blessings may even distract us on that pilgrimage. The passage in Hebrews calls us, based on past heroes of the faith, "to run the race in front of us," confident that devoting our lives to God's work is all the reward we will ever need.

I thought it was worth sharing!

The Prayer of Jabez falls short in Africa

Blue Says It’s Time For An Update

2006-02-08T08:31:00.000-08:00

… and it is.

I’ve decided to leave a Word Doc open on my desktop and jot down a bunch of unrelated ramblings.

Rambling Number One – Nothing Could Have Been Done!

I should start by saying that my husband’s brother died on Saturday. The coroner said that he had a ruptured aortic aneurysm and bled out… those were his exact words… He Bled Out! His death was sudden and according to the calm, professional voice coming over the phone… “Nothing could have been done”.

I was glad I took the call and not my husband… the man’s report was so clinical. It was hard to hear. After Mr. Professional-I-Do-This-Ten-Times-A-Day-Coroner informed me that my brother-in-law’s chest cavity was full of blood, he asked me what he should do with the remains.

I called the funeral home and asked them to pick up the body. There. That was done. Now, all I had to do was wait for the rest of my husband’s brothers and sisters to arrive.

Today is Wednesday. The man died on Saturday. Still no brothers and sisters.

Rambling Number Two – In-Laws

The In-Law relationship has been difficult for me. I don’t fit in. I intentionally hang out on the edge, because there is no room for me in the center.

Rambling Number Three – Life to Life

I feel sorry for my husband. He’s lost both his parents and two siblings. All of them suddenly. Here one day… gone the next. Besides violent deaths, I think sudden ones are the worst. There’s no time to say goodbye… to get one last look… one last kiss on a still warm cheek. Yes, sudden deaths are hard… shocking… lonely.

I’ve been fortunate. I’ve lost people close to me, but I’ve had time. Time to say goodbye. For me, death has been a process. I’ve had the comfort of knowing that the loved ones I've lost were prepared to go. It is a strange kind of comfort, but it is comforting nonetheless.

I’ve stood by my beloved Grandmother and Aunt and watched them cross over from life to life. That’s how I see it… life to life. I’ve felt it happen, I’ve seen the beauty in the transition, and I am not afraid… at least not as afraid as I would be without those experiences.

Rambling Number Four - Looking Through Emails

As I was writing my “Life to Life Rambling” I got to thinking about my Aunt. The anniversary of her death is this month. Not too long ago, I wrote my Jedi an email that described me sitting by the side of her bed playing Jeff Major’s 23rd Psalm as she “went home to God!”

I wanted to re-read that email… maybe post some version of it here. Well, I was surprised to find that there are over 150 Jedi/Padawan emails that I’ve saved. I started going through them looking for that specific one and found myself re-reading some of the others. Wow! All I can say is… Wow! It’s so nice to have a record of our conversations… to be able to go back, re-think, re-view, re-member, re-live!

To Be Continued

Later that night...

Rambling Number Five - I'm Sooooo Tired

I'm home. I've been funeral shopping, and now I'm beat. I use to like to shop. Not anymore. It holds no appeal.

Rambling Number Six - Playin' On The Forum

This afternoon I spent a little while playin' on the forum. I so enjoy my little nutty e-daughters. It's nice to be able to have a good laugh every now and again.

All right. I've got nothing else. I'm going to kick back, watch some mindless TV, and prepare to do it all again tomorrow.

Here's to making it through a long day!

Snowless Winter

2006-02-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to get out somewhere with waist high snow, but it seems to be a snowless winter. This is the best I've been able to do!

Comment Trouble...

2006-02-04T14:19:00.000-08:00

I'm having trouble with my Blog comments... they won't "stick"... here today... gone tomorrow!!!!

Keep posting them though... I'm saving them and when I get this problem resolved I'll properly post them.

Much Love and Affection!

Missing You While Driving

2006-02-03T18:00:00.000-08:00

I've got a Jeep.
I've got a Jeep and I drive it.
I've got a Jeep and I drive it and I think.
I've got a Jeep and I drive it and I think about how much I miss the people in my life that I can't "see"!
I've got a Jeep and I drive it and I think about how much I miss the people in my life that I can't "see" and I pass my exit.
I've got a Jeep and I drive it and I think about how much I miss the people in my life that I can't "see" and I pass my exit cuz I'm too busy missing the people in my life that I can't "see".

If I suddenly stop writing, know that I drove off the road thinking about you!

LOL

2006-02-03T17:56:00.000-08:00

lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

Hiccup! 'Scuze me!

Anger

2006-02-02T16:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

It’s been awhile since I’ve directed an entry specifically to you. I’ve been thinking about each of you. I’ve been hoping that you’d get a chance to drop by and spend some time in LightAndShadow’s little piece of the digital world. Thank you for coming.

Today I’d like to write about anger. I’m writing, as much for me as I am for you. I’m writing for me as much as I am for any hapless person that stumbles across this entry. You see, I know a good deal about this particular emotion.

In an earlier entry, Geminis and Scorpios (Jedi Masters and Padawans), I claimed to have worked on my forgiveness issues. It’s true. I have. Hundreds of times. Forgiveness is a persistent problem for me and at the root of my unforgiving nature is, of course, anger.

Some structures have faults… points of weakness… places which allow for the entry of all sorts of contaminants… places that weaken the overall structure enough to make it fail... make it collapse. Like most buildings, we are structures with faults… weak places. Just as water seeps into a house with a cracked foundation and ruins the carpet, emotional distance, violence, vengefulness, and even hatred can creep in through the angry places in us and damage relationships. More importantly, they can destroy us!

Notice that I'm putting the emphasis on Us. Why? Because in the end, no matter how much pain our anger brings to others we will be the ultimate victims. Our unchecked anger will leave us guilty, unhappy, troubled people. Mark my words!

Anger has been my weak spot and I can tell you that it is a very dangerous thing. I’m writing to you because I know that you too have experienced the unrelenting upheaval of wounded emotions. I know you have felt the self-destructive tension generated by anger. Everyone has.

For some of us anger is a brooding, hidden thing. It takes up residence beneath an unapproachable veneer. It lurks behind feigned politeness. It restlessly paces behind busyness. That’s me… rather that has been me… a distant woman with an inner rage that held people at bay not so much to protect them from the onslaught of her bitterness, but to ensure that they wouldn’t find out how close to being out of control she was. Many of us live in this place… on the edge… ready to explode. Sadly, many of us actually feel our anger is warranted. We point to some offense and justify our angry spirit. But we are deceiving ourselves. Anger… prolonged, unresolved anger cannot be justified.

So, the question is… What do you do with your anger? It’s too easy to simply say let it go. I mean if we could do that, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. No, if it were easy, we’d simply walk away, take the highroad in every situation, and be perfect, forgiving people. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been able to do that… not without a lot of wrestling with myself.

So, again I ask… What do you do?

Well, the answer lies in repentance.

That’s right… R-e-p-e-n-t-a-n-c-e. Now, that’s a bible word steeped in religiosity. It conjures up images of wild-eyed, sweaty preachers screaming at the top of their lungs from a circus tent podium. I know it does. Please, erase that image from your head. Kill it quick. Repentance is nothing more than the act of changing your mind, having regret, and turning away. What exactly does that mean?

When it comes to anger, I think the part of our thinking that has to change is the belief that anger is justified. Personally, I had to start there.

Everything in the world tells you that it is okay to be angry. The world actually encourages it. He did what to you? Girl, you oughta _______. Fill in the blank. Nine times out of ten that blank won’t be filled with a suggestion to hold back your anger and walk in love. I can just about guarantee that.

In order to even begin to approach the place where I could fill in the blank with something other than an angry passive aggressive reaction, I had to shift my focus from the thing I was angry about and place it on the anger itself. Quite often there is nothing we can do about the circumstances that have us irate. It helps to recognize that there will always be a situation… something to drive us to an angry place. But if we understand that our own anger is the real enemy, perhaps we'll have a fighting chance.

I had to change my mind about what role anger would have in my life. As I began to rethink my relationship to my own anger, I began having regrets. Have you been there? Have you thought - Oh, how much time I’ve wasted being wrapped up in these angry feelings? When you start to see that the havoc in your life is more a result of your unchecked anger than it is a consequence of someone else’s offense, you begin to have regrets. Regret leads a reasonable person to the act of turning away. I ain’t going back there – isn’t that what you tell yourself? The process of rethinking, feeling regret, and purposefully turning away gives you a tremendous amount of control. It gives you the ability to choose.

Let’s stop here… for now.

Here’s to considering where it is we are to turn!

It Ain't All Deep

2006-02-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

The light side of things. See, it ain't all deep!

I wrote:
I'm at my desk... looking forward to a good day!

It is gorgeous out and instead of hitting the gym I took a brisk walk outside! Ohhhh, the things you see!

What's up in your world?

He wrote:
Catching up with the happenings at the hospital at the moment.... glad your day is looking wonderful.... so what will you blog today?

Oh did you listen to the songs I sent you?

I wrote:
I'm listening as we speak... Have you heard Margaret Becker? I think you'd like her.
As for my blog... I don't know... perhaps I'll do another "good rant"!

He wrote:
Never heard of M. Becker... what does she sing?

I wrote:
http://www.maggieb.com/index2.html

He wrote:
cool beans I will listen later....thanks for hookin a brotha up...

I wrote:
Yeah... I got the hook up!

Got that bootleg "Ray!"

Got dem DVDs… whatchu wont... whatchu need... my Shyt don't got no peoples standin' up and walkin round the show... naw... I got the real deal... 2 fo twenty... tree fo twenty-fi. Whatchu wont... got that new Spike Lee... whatchu wont!

*LightAndShadow continues to move from car to car as busy people try to buy gas*

Hey Boo... Got dem DVDs!

He wrote:
LOL you are one sick person... I will come and visit you in your prison cell.....

I wrote:
Me and you at the Big House... in the Pen... You sneak in the weave and I swear I'll make us both rich.

Got that numba foe Janet Jackson Jumbo Pack.

Look Up

2006-02-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

A song came to mind this morning.

Instead of using the treadmill I took a real walk. For the briefest of moments I marched with my head down, my eyes on my Nikes. I walked watching my feet establish the artificially perfect rhythm of the treadmill I have come to know. I was focused on the bumps in my path, the elephant dropping sized lumps of dirt left on the brand new sidewalk by the crews constructing hotels and office buildings up and down the curved access road that didn’t even exist a year ago. I moved along, building speed, heading nowhere when the voice in my head that speaks to my heart said, “Look! Look up! Feel me!”

My eyes left my feet. I trusted the voice enough to turned from the bumps and uneven places in the road that could trip me up. My eyes left my feet and searched the clear strikingly blue morning sky.

My heart said, “I Feel You!”

And the song… the Becker song… played in my head.

Feel It All

I’ve been living so close to the skin
Trying to feel everything
I been digging ‘round so deep looking for eternal things
So I prayed a prayer to be wise
I prayed a prayer to see it with Your eyes
For ears to hear and a heart to seek
And the gift to find all the treasure You leave
I think I see it

In the beauty of the morning
In the rhythm of the rain
In the symphony of laughter as it plays across Your face
In the colors of creation painting sunsets in the fall
I want to feel it all

Oh, cuz what is life if not to see Your spirit passing by
And what is love if not to leave the imprints of Your touch
I think I see it

In the beauty of the morning
In the rhythm of the rain
In the symphony of laughter as it plays across Your face
In the colors of creation painting sunsets in the fall
I want to feel it all

As I walked and remembered the words, as I sang along with the Becker in my head I did more than simply sing the words... No, I prayed. I prayed that He would make me wise... I prayed to see the world through His eyes... to hear with His ears... to discover what He means for me to discover!

Thank You for reminding me, Lord... Hold back my fear and let me feel You.... Show me... Show me the eternal things... Don’t let me miss your spirit in the people and things I touch... Use me, Lord - use me to leave Your imprint on the world around me!

Here's to being with God in the beauty of the morning!

Geminis and Scorpios (Jedi Masters and Padawans)

2006-01-31T12:20:00.000-08:00

A couple of people have asked me who this Jedi Master I write about is. Well, let me tell ya! See what happened was…

Geminis were like falling from the sky and I was all non-plussed and I said to myself…

What is it with all these Geminis cropping up? Good grief! I’ve lived all these years without being more than passing acquaintances with anyone born between May 21st and June 21st. I’ve been reasonably content, fairly prosperous, and healthy enough without the influence of the universe’s version of the split personality infiltrating my space, and now… well, now they are firmly and completely entrenched in all areas of my little ole life. They are scurrying around EVERYWHERE… like bipolar roaches… and Lawd, don’t I just love it.

Not all that long ago I noticed the trend and did a Internet search designed to help me figure out if these fascinating creatures were going to be the end of me. I didn’t mind finding one or two of them in the opened albeit rarely used cereal box in my pantry, but I kept finding them creeping around in the cavernous regions of my heart… and that was bad. Very bad I tell you. So I did my little investigative work. The resulting analysis indicated that Scorpio/ Gemini interactions were DOOMED. That’s right… doomed! Well, maybe not doomed, but difficult.

The prevailing wisdom says that Gemini is a social, communicatin’ jack-of-all-trades, a whiz-kid, a trickster, a messenger, and a flitter (my word and it means jumps from subject to subject and I suspect from partner to partner to partner to… well, you get it.). Now Scorpio is an extremely loyal friend and does not care for flittin’ or flitters. Scorpio is a detective, a therapist, a hypnotist, a transformer. Oh, and did I mention Stinger has forgiveness issues and is secretive to boot!

Not sounding like friendship material is it? But all's not lost in these alliances. See, though difficult, they can be very strong… the powers that be, i.e. the Internet astrology experts swear that adjustment is key. They say both these guys need to give more than they get. I been doing that for a while now and the thought of givin’ doesn’t scare me, so I’m down with the giving part of this. The experts say that all that is required is a little extra sensitivity. Heck… I’m sensitive - sensitive enough to have addressed my forgiveness issues and secretive nature long ago. Sensitive enough to keep the controlling aspect of my personality in check... well, pretty much in check.

In the end, the experts say Gemini is ‘spose to keep the lines of communication open and Scorp is ‘spose to learn to let go! Whateva! Read my d@mn blog… three-fourths of it is about learning this very thing… learning it from a Gemini… go figure!

Oooops, I’m off track… like I was saying…

My world was under Gemini attack.

So why was I so attracted, and why were there suddenly so many of them? Thanks for asking... I'ma tell ya.

I was attracted because these nuts are funny, chatty, deep little somebodies. Inconsistent and flighty as ‘ell, but as long as you don’t ask too much of them they seem to be great little entertainers. Course they’ll flip on ya in a minute, but when they are on… they are on. Now, that’s the story on the average “Ta ‘ell wid it I’ma just throw myself into being a Gemini” Geminis, but low-and-behold those aren’t the only kinda Geminis out there. Nope, there is this thing called the Gemini with self-control. Now, as far as this little Scorpio gal is concerned that’s a powerful thing… yep, it most certainly is. And why were there so many of them... well, I needed to learn a lesson and I needed the right Gemini to show me the way! Sometimes you gotta thump on a lot of watermelons to find a ripe one.

So… I’m living, right? Not particularly well… it’s a difficult time and all that, but I’m doing what I do. Anyway, I’m dealing with my stuff and out of nowhere this man starts writing me. The first thing I notice is he’s another one of those doomed Geminis. This is not good, but I’ma be bad with mine and tell him upfront, “I ain’t scurred of no Twin-Signed-Dark-Stormy-Nothin’!” And he tells me, “Good… but you don’t have to worry because I have all that under control!” Well, I decided to see ‘bout that. I put my detective hat on and went to work discovering who the heck this MessengerMan was.

I’m telling you… from day one the conversation was deep… no hesitant getting to know you… where ya from nonsense, and that was fine by me cuz I’m not one for superficial people, places, or things. I like mine’s real (lol) and mystery man brought the real deal.

Course… I ‘ve got this blog where I tell all my business, so he’s got a bit of an advantage… if he can read he’s got access to my inner workings from jump… and he could most assuredly read… and clearly he could write, too.

He writes me all this pertinent, relevant, thought provoking, lead me in the right direction stuff focused on the idea of letting go... which was just what a Scorpio needs to be learning to do, right? Most interestingly, he does it with just enough mastery that I get sucked right in.

Here I am learning what I need to know at the hands of this just-fell-into-my-life Gemini who’s not flittin’ off leavin’ my ass saying… “Huh? What just happened?” Instead, he leads me to recognize the need to let go of old crap, literally, figuratively, and emotionally without walking away from me! Whoa… a Gemini that doesn’t flit. What have we here?

I’m all interested, right? I mean, here’s this scripture quotin’, philosophizin’, email writin’, provocative question askin’, non-flittin’ Gemini with some information on life that I needed so, of course, I was curious as all get out. Kept asking him, “Who are you?” and he kept tossing me cryptic, “I’m a fellow traveler” answers. Huh?

Instead of giving me direct answers to my innocent inquiries OhDeepMysteriousOne would send me off on these helpful little assignments… “Study the concept of surrender and we’ll talk.”

Again, huh?

But dutifully I’d go off and study and then we’d discuss what I learned… still didn’t know who TheSeminarian was. Whoever he was his screen name didn’t fit so I kept calling him something different every couple of contacts. I’d learn some little tidbit, discover something about him and rename him until I finally settled on Jedi Master. Every Jedi worth whatever it is that fuels the Millennium Falcon deserves a Padawan, so I became Padawan.

I’ve never told my Jedi this, but I knew things would work well between us… a Gemini and a Scorpio... when I sent him a message asking him how many Padawans he had.

He responded, “A Jedi may only have one Padawan at a time!”

Good answer! Great answer! Just what I needed to hear!

So began a very friendly, fruitful student/teacher journey!

Here’s to a Gemini and a Scorpio living out the Jedi Code!

God is Love

2006-01-30T13:38:00.000-08:00

God is love.
God is love.
God is love, huh????

We hear this all the time, but what does it really mean?

God is love.

More importantly, could this be the missing piece of the love definition that offsets the negative feeling we have about vulnerability and responsibility - the piece that encompasses those scary words and soothes away some of their sting? Could God be the piece that takes human love from a mere reflection of what it is meant to be to something truly substantial? Is He the piece that makes love not a feeling but a principle?

My immediate reaction is to say, yes! Yes, the missing piece must be God if God is indeed love. My immediate reaction is to say - surely if God is love, than loving is not just some activity. It has to be more than that.

Paul wrote:

Love is long suffering
Love is kind
It is not jealous
Love does not boast
It is not inflated
It is not discourteous
It is not selfish
It is not irritable
It does not enumerate the evil
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things
It has faith for all things
It hopes in all things
It endures in all things.

I’ve read and thought about these words many times. I always interpreted I Corinthians 13 as defining love through a set of behaviors. This, Paul seemed to be saying, is what love looks like. What it does. How it acts. And what I saw at the heart of Paul’s description of love is the word sacrifice. Giving up our impatience, our nasty little tendencies, our jealousy, our egotism, our selfish, angry, spiteful ways for the sake of friend and enemy alike. Sacrifice seemed to be the essence, the essential, the vital part of the love equation. And like vulnerability and responsibility it is another very scary word.

So, here we are right back at the beginning looking down the barrel at yet another frightening concept. Sacrifice! Is nothing easy? Is nothing lighthearted and fun? Is it always about giving up, dying to our own selfishness, denying ourselves for the benefit of others? How do we do this when everything in us screams – what about me?

Well, the first thing that we must do is drown out that screaming voice. It won’t cost anything to put it on hold for a minute. It won’t kill us to try to reason this out, will it?

Second, we must begin to actually see God as love and love as originating in God and not in us, or in our beloved. We must look at love as God’s nature, and understand that what he does expresses his nature. Now, as we begin to see love not as some activity, but activities as something to be done in love then we are a step closer to taking some of the sting out of those scary words. We are a step closer to making it about God and his nature and not about us and ours!

And finally, we have to look to God to provide us with the ability to do what he does - act in love. As God reveals himself to us he shows us what love is because… well, God is Love!

Here’s to God guiding and empowering us in this great pilgrimage! Here’s to loving!

Vulnerability and Responsibility

2006-01-30T08:34:00.000-08:00

Two things seem to keep people from loving one another. Vulnerability and Responsibility.

Scary Word One: Vulnerability. Hummmm, doesn't that just conjure up unsafe images?

Susceptibility
Weakness
Defenselessness
Helplessness
Openness
Exposure
Liability

All this sounds pretty risky. Words like these do little to instill a sense of wellbeing. In fact they point to a word most of us really don’t want anything to do with.

Need!

And what about Scary Word Two: Responsibility?

Blame
Liability
Accountability
Duty
Job
Task
Dependability
Reliability
Now, words like these sound like work and heaven help us they just scream yet another scary word.

Commitment!

What does looking at love this way say? It says…

Love always makes you vulnerable. There’s no way you can love and not expose yourself in some way. Love always makes you responsible. There’s no way you can love and not feel a sense of accountability. Vulnerable, responsible love goes hand in hand with need and commitment.

So, ask me again why relationships are hard!

Naw… this whole definition of love is faulty. If this were all there were to it, who’d be bothered! See, there’s something missing and that something… not understanding that something is what keeps us moving from unsatisfying encounter to unsatisfying encounter. Not understanding the missing piece of love defined keeps us on the run, looking, never finding, turning away from good things and then feeling lonely, lost.

I hear from a reliable source that love is not a feeling it is a principle.

Here’s to understanding the principle of love!

A Bit Overambitious

2006-01-29T17:21:00.000-08:00

I think perhaps LightAndShadow’s To Do list was a bit overambitious. I got a lot of the things I wanted to accomplish accomplished, but I ran out of steam before I completed everything.

I failed to write the next chapter, I completely missed the drug store, I haven’t emailed the youngster that I mentor, my ideas for a family website are still in my head, and though Moveable Type has been downloaded I’ve done no more than glance at the user’s manual. Sadly, Ms. Headley's album, though scheduled for a January release, is not in the stores, yet.

On a happier note, I can say that besides checking off the other things on my list I was able to take my girl to an unplanned early dinner. Over shrimp cocktail I got to hear all about HIM… the boyfriend. Lawd, my child is talking about Valentine’s Day like it was a real holiday!

I also stopped by to visit a friend who called this morning. She’s going out of town and needs me to care for her little doll baby for a couple of days. I love hanging out with children I am not ultimately responsible for, and this one is a cutie pie. I’ve taken a slew of photographs of her and I’m sure during her short visit I’ll take a bunch more. Nothin’ like a cute, fresh faced subject.

Since I’ll have the little darlin’ I’d love to get her all potty trained by the time her mother comes back! Now, what busy mom wouldn’t appreciate that? We’ll see! She's a smart kid. Her mom's been working with her... maybe another adult's influence is just what she needs to make that final step into the big girl realm. Hmmmm... I know I have a copy of Pat The Bunny somewhere around here!

Oh, and a toddler houseguest gives me a legitimate excuse to work from home for a couple of days! Yeah!

Goodness, I better add – Pick up some kid friendly food – to tomorrow’s list!

Here’s to finishing off my Sunday curled up with Stephen King before Sesame Street and Dora Dora take over my house!

A Friendly Warning

2006-01-29T12:14:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to warn you… I mean as a friend I thought that I should let you know just how dangerous it is to walk around with a toothbrush hanging out of your mouth.

Now, it is not like anything like this has ever happened to me… I mean it’s not like I was rushing around preparing to go out… maybe buy the new Stephen King book and check on Heather Headley’s new CD, or anything like that… it’s not like I walked into a wall with the toothbrush that was dangling in my mouth taking the brunt of the impact and lodging itself in the back of my throat… I’m not tryna say that that happened to me… I’m just trying to warn those of you that might find themselves in this kind of predicament… as a friend and all… I just thought I should let you know that I heard bad things can happen when you’re not careful.

Anyway… take care… oh, and if you’re looking for me you may want to avoid calling my cell… I don’t think I’ll be doing much talking today!

Here’s to fair warnings!

My To Do List

2006-01-29T09:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning without a plan. Nope, no plan at all. That’s not like me. I usually have some idea of what I’d like to get out of the day… what needs doin’, ya know? But today I’m not at all sure what I should do.

For any of you that know me or have learned a bit about me through my fiction I think it is list-making time.

Here goes!

LightAndShadow’s Sunday Morning To Do List In No Special Order

Skip Church
Spend some quality alone time with the Lord
Write the next chapter in Light And Shadow
Fold the laundry
Add a list of Favorite Blogs to my Blog
Add a section called Favorite Entries to my Blog
Curl my daughter’s hair
Go to Border’s and pick up Cell by Stephen King
Review my portfolio and find a nice safe place to stash a little cash
Charge camera batteries for the party on Friday
Clean lenses and test my new light box
Continue to fight the urge to school the poor woman that’s where I was not so very long ago
Make a trip to Whole Foods and stock up
Take a long afternoon nap
Wash my hair and give myself a facial
Email the girl I mentor
Drop prescriptions off at the drug store and pick up hair products
Start bulding website
Learn Movable Type

Good grief, Charlie Brown. I’ve got more than enough to keep me on the move today. And what do you know… I’ve got myself an online visitor. This… this list will have to wait!

I shall return.

Justice, Mercy, and Humility

2006-01-26T18:06:00.000-08:00

LightAndShadow has decided to stop spending time dissecting her own scars. She fully understands when, how, and why they were made. She knows where every last one of them is. She understands very well who made them. She has a pretty good idea why she is the way she is.

It is now time for LightAndShadow to stop looking into the pit!

So, what will she do next?

Well, the order of the day is justice, mercy, and humility!

I’ve been told that focusing on those three things will keep me quite occupied, and I have no doubt that they will.

Tonight I will pray… have a little talk with God. Hopefully he’ll inspire me to write all about it tomorrow.

In the meantime…

Here’s to turning a corner!

I Can't Sleep

2006-01-25T01:08:00.000-08:00

I'm too tired to do anything, but I can't seem to sleep!
It happens.
Something is coming.
I sense pieces of a poem swirling around
on the outer edge of my head.
I'm sitting here waiting for it.

Here's to sleepless nights of poetry!

Craving Oneness

2006-01-24T14:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just feel like pouring myself into something. Just releasing it all. Melting away. Sometimes the need is so strong that I can think of nothing else.

It’s not sex that I’m looking for, though that can almost get you there. No, it is another kind of connectedness that I crave. A spiritual, emotional, physical oneness with something that belongs wholly to me yet lies outside myself. I want to lose myself in something that is bigger, stronger, better than I am. I want to pour myself into this thing… this receptacle. I want to find myself in it.

In many ways, this desire of mine is fueling my creativity. It is fueling my blog. It is fueling my fiction. It is fueling my photography. But as much as I love these things they barely fill that empty place in me that is calling out for more. I have yet to be able to create something, to make something, to think of something that answers this call I hear… that allows me to free myself, slowly drip like thick honey from a spoon suspended over a teacup, let go and be refreshed. Permanently refreshed. I’m tired of temporary fixes. Moments. I’m sick and tired of getting a glimpse of what I want, what I need only to fall back into loneliness and dissatisfaction.

I swear it feels like I’ll go mad if I don’t release all this. It feels like I’ll never truly be content if I don’t find an outlet for all that is within me.

If you’ve been reading along, you know that I picked up a book called The Sacred Romance. This book talks about the feelings I’m having, but so far it hasn’t provided an answer. It outlines the problem, but doesn’t give me a solution. Of course, I’m just getting started, but I’m impatient… horribly impatient. If I thought skipping ahead to the last chapter would provide me with the direction I need, I would race to the finish; however, I know that it won’t. I guess I must trudge along hoping to hit pay dirt in the end.

Sometimes I absolutely hate life.

Here’s to plodding along!

Treadmill Thoughts

2006-01-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

I thought about something this morning while on the treadmill. Just before my legs took on the feel of lead, right before all my concentration went into panting, a second or two before my mind floated away I thought… I measure time by my daughter.

As I took my shower that thought crept back in. Ever since I became a mother I’ve been remembering events according to my girl’s age.

Yes, that happened when my daughter was three.

Of course, don’t you remember… that was the year “she” was in the third grade.

Gee, I don’t know… it was about two or three years before the baby was born.

Even if my child had absolutely nothing to do with the event being recounted, I still think of it in the context of her life and not mine. I wonder if all parents do this - mark time by the landmarks in their children’s lives.

I wonder if, at some point, I’ll go back to being my own timepiece.

I wonder if, at some point, I’ll say… yes, it happened the year I turned…

Here’s to the things we think about!

Feeling Grandpa

2006-01-22T20:33:00.000-08:00

I spent this weekend with my mom. I slept in the guestroom… the room that once belonged to my Grandfather. During the last 10 or so years of his life he lived with my parents. He died two years ago around this time of the year and I guess sleeping in his room made me think of him. No, it was more than that. I think about him all the time. Being in his old room didn’t make me think of him as much as it made me feel him. Part of my Grandpa is still in that room.

When my grandfather was born Booker T. Washington and Harriet Tubman were still alive. Roosevelt was president – Teddy Roosevelt.

Grandpa was truly a child of that time – he had the spirit of a rough rider and I know that if he were to have his way he would have traded his casket in for an endless highway and a powerful Ford. And believe me… He’d be packin’. As he was found of saying, “a man needs a gun!”

That was one of what I’ve come to think of as a GRANDPA-ISM. He had a lifetime full of sayings like, “If you want to learn you’ve got to stop talkin’ and start listenin’” or the kids all time favorite, “I don’t eat what I don’t like!”

My daughter, sometimes catches herself using that particular nugget. When she realizes what she’s said she holds her head and cries, “I sound just like Great-grandpa!”

The beauty of it is there’s not that many teenagers that know their great-grandparents let alone can see how they have been influenced by them.

Anyone that spent anytime with my Grandfather knew him to be a storyteller. He had a million of them and I bet there isn’t a person that knew him that hasn’t memorized at least one or two or three or…

My personal favorite is one that will always stay with me.

It was one of his many road stories.

It went something like this…

Grandpa and Uncle Booker were driving in some out of the way San Diego hills. Apparently, they’d been at it for quite awhile and Grandpa suspected that Booker didn’t really know where they were. Grandpa, not being one to hold his tongue asked, “Booker, are we lost?” And Booker told him, “Bud, you ain’t lost till you run out of gas!”

The Lord blessed my Grandpa with a lot of gas. 102 years of life in one little man.

People always asked him how he did it. Generally, he’d confidently answer, “All things in moderation.” Occasionally, he’d divulge another one of his little secrets, “I never believed in working too hard.” But every once in a while he’d get quiet and his eyes would water and you knew that he knew his longevity was a gift from God.

A gift not only to him, but also to each of us.

So often when a family loses a loved one the minister or a caring neighbor reminds the bereaved that all things have a season.

Isn’t it wonderful that my Grandfather was blessed with so many seasons?

Here’s to feeling the loved ones that have gone before us?

A Story Worth Sharing

2006-01-22T20:15:00.000-08:00

I want to blog this before I forget it. Please forgive me if it sounds like one of those corny things you get in an email - you know the anonymous ‘spose to be inspiring stories that get forwarded around. That’s right, I’m referring to emails that end with the obligatory – send this to a dozen people you care about! I’m not tryna write one of those things. What I am trying to do is record and share a moment in time that I want to remember.

Here goes!

I met a guy last week that keeps popping in and out of my head. He told me a story I think is worth sharing.

The background:

The man I met is an administrator with the public school system (we’ll call him Mark). Several years ago, Mark took an interest in a young man who was having difficulty. Apparently, this boy’s father was in prison, his mother was working 3rd shift and not really there to raise her children, his older brother was a dealer, and his older sister was busy making babies she couldn’t care for. It is not surprising that the young man (let’s call him Brian) left on his own to struggle through life was one step away from alternative school – not a good place to be. Brian’s class attendance was sporadic, however his grades were very consistent. Consistently F’s! Even in grade school Brian was essentially a throw away kid until a caring school administrator decided to intervene.

The story:

Mark began working with Brian when he was a 6th grader. They had lunch together once a week and just talked. Believing that building a relationship was the key to helping the boy turn himself around, Mark didn’t approach Brian from an academic place. He simply met him at his school, found a vacant classroom and shared a sack lunch with the boy. They talked about sports, music, and video games… anything that was of interest. They found common ground and over a 5 year period Brain went from straight F’s to honor roll performance.

Now, the part of the story that I found moving was this…

All those years, Mark sent Brian postcards from his travels. Whenever the man took a vacation, went to a seminar, or stumbled across something interesting he’d think of Brian and mail him a card.

One day not long ago, Brian invited Mark to his home. Brian’s mother took Mark into the high school boy’s room and showed him where her son hung years worth of postcards on his bedroom wall. The interesting thing, the telling thing was that the cards were displayed with the written side up. Instead of decorating his walls with the gorgeous pictures of far away places depicted on the glossy card fronts, Brian surrounded himself with the man’s messages.

Here's to understanding that all the glossy gifts in the world don't have the impact of a few kind words scribbled on a post card!

Weekend

2006-01-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

I'm spending the better part of this weekend with my mother. I'll be away from my blog... away from a DSL connection to the outside world... away from AIM and Messenger and Email and Forums and you!

Wish me luck!

Here's to a fully charged cell phone and a gassed up Jeep! Oh, and a pint of chocolate almond ice cream!

I Feel

2006-01-20T11:48:00.000-08:00

I feel soooo good I just don’t know what to do with myself!

I feel blessed to be able to sit, stand, walk, spin, reach, climb, and just plain move without cringing or swallowing back pain!

I feel like the donut I ate this morning has me on a sugar high!

I feel grateful to see Friday and the weekend out there somewhere waiting just for me!

I feel worry free, debt free, heartbreak free, free free!

I feel like a million billion trillion Crispy Chicken Nuggets!

I feel like listening to some new music – experiencing a new voice!

I feel like dancing till I get dizzy!

I feel like giggling till I can’t breath!

I feel like laughing till tears fall!

I feel like running a hard 3 miles!

I feel like hugging everybody I see!

I feel like gift giving!

I feel like taking a portrait of a dark-eyed Stranger!

I feel like a long hot shower and the notes of herbal suds!

I feel like dressing up in a barely there low cut something!

I feel like silk and feathers!

I feel like a starry night!

I feel like a shadowy room!

I feel like the scent of a glowing candle!

I feel like slick heated massage oil!

I feel like images drawn with body paint!

I feel like down and expensive sheets!

I feel like touching skin and losing myself in another person!

I feel like loving hands and interlocking fingers!

I feel like tongues and teeth and soft breaths!

I feel like curly eyelashes against my cheek!

I feel like soft lips on exposed fleshed!

I feel like poetry, prose, and praise!

I feel like listening to someone’s whispered secrets!

I feel like whispering my own!

I feel like exchanging promises and claiming hearts!

I feel like being carried!

I feel like baring someone else’s weight!

I feel like flames doused in cool water!

I feel like sighs and moans and sounds of relief!

I feel like relishing release!

I feel like bringing someone exquisite joy!

I feel like moving on… and up… and out!

Here's to feeling like the Light part of LightAndShadow!

I Hope

2006-01-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

I hope a certain West Coast Desert Dweller has time for me tonight.

I hope I won’t have to compete with a bunch of uniformed fellows tossin’, kickin’, shootin’, or hittin’ a ball! (Unless, of course, they're youth needing a role model type coach... them I'll step aside for... darn it!!!)

I hope there's a fully charged cell phone in someone's pocket, or on someone's desk, or better yet, in someone's eager hand!

Here's to hoping!

My Jedi Master

2006-01-18T16:42:00.000-08:00

I gotta tell ya how much I appreciate and yes, admire my Jedi Master. He doesn’t wanna hear it. Apparently that’s not the Jedi way, but darn it I’m a Padawan and I’m not yet completely bound to the Jedi code. When I get my fully functioning lightsaber I’ll follow all the rules. Until then…

Your sometimes obstinate, occasionally dense, and often overly emotional Padawan thanks you for being her friend and teacher.

Here's to people that enter your life at just the right time!

As Hard As I Try

2006-01-17T15:29:00.000-08:00

In one of my blog entries, A Roadmap, I received the following comment…

Sometimes, those that need love most don't know how to give it back and must be embraced even more.

Blue

I thought about this and I think it is a really a profound statement.

I think as a kid I needed someone to see this – I needed someone to embrace me even more. It wasn't that I didn't know how to give love... it was that I didn't think I was worthy of love. However, the principal is the same.

We often see the people who are shut down/ shut off and we simply walk away believing that they don't want or need what we have to offer. But they do.

I'm in a mentorship program and we talk about kids that fight accepting what we have to offer. We recognize that they are reacting to past hurts and we press on... slowly but surely showing them that we will be there. Eventually, most of them break down and begin to trust us.

The thing is... the thing that bothers me about simply walking away from people that choose to walk away from us is that I'm afraid we are failing to follow though, to break through that wall of resistance that actually needs to be demolished.

Yes, adult should be capable of deciding when, where, and who they want to be in relationship with, but if you take the time to get to know people, you begin to see that the child part controls many of the things we think and do.

So often we are not dealing with an adult. We are dealing with a child - a hurt, frightened child who needs special attention. We are dealing with the part of the person that needs to hear the “I love you’s”, but may not ever ask for them.

As hard as I try, I can’t imagine walking away from a child in pain… even if that child is housed in a stubborn adult body. I can’t imagine saying, “You don’t want me, and therefore I will stop trying to befriend you, to meet some of your needs, to love you in spite of.”

Here's to loving in spite of!

In Memory Of Martin Luther King

2006-01-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

http://www.bushflash.com/mlk2005.html

A Roadmap

2006-01-16T12:04:00.000-08:00

You Owe Me Nothing In Return
Alanis Morrisette

I'll give you countless amounts of
outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to
choose the path that you want if you need it.

You can speak of anger and doubts,
Your fears and freak-outs and I'll hold it.
You can share your so-called shame-filled accounts
Of times in your life and I won't judge it.

And there are no strings attached to it...

Chorus:

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
And you owe me nothing in return.

You can ask for space for yourself
And only yourself and I'll grant it.
You can ask for freedom as well
Or time to travel and you'll have it.

You can ask to live by yourself
Or love someone else and I'll support it.
You can ask for anything you want
Anything at all and I'll understand it.

And there are no strings attached to it...

(chorus)

I bet you're wondering when the next
payback shoe will eventually drop.
I bet you're wondering when my conditional
police will force you to cough up.
I bet you're wondering how far you
now have danced your way back into debt.
This is the only kind of love as
I understand it that there really is.

You can express your deepest of truths
Even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it.
You can fall into the abyss
On the way to your bliss
And I'll empathize with.
You can say you'll have to skip town
To chase your passion and I'll hear it.
You can leave and hit rock bottom
Have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it.

And there are no strings attached to it

Thanks Blue, for turning me on to this. This song is a roadmap to the kind of love I'm studying.

The first thing that caught my attention when I read these lyrics was the way the writer emphasized “if you want/need it”.

I'll give you countless amounts of
outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to
choose the path that you want if you need it.

I’m wondering about this. Do we only give what people say they want or need? If you feel acceptance and have encouragement to offer, can’t you give it regardless of whether the “you” in the song wants it or not? Granted, acceptance and encouragement may take shape in the background if the other person doesn’t want it from you, but can’t it… shouldn’t it exist anyway.

I’m not saying this very well, but this is the thing I’m struggling with. Am I not entitled to my feelings regardless of how “you” feel?

As I learn more about love I am constantly confronted with the idea that at times the accepted idea of love can be a very selfish thing. When we come from a place that says… I love… I give love so that I might be loved we are approaching love from a selfish place. But I’m not talking about a tit-for-tat approach to loving. I accept and understand the twisted nature of this kind of thinking. However, I do believe in cause and effect. I believe that if love is offered… if we act in love… if we are a loving people, then we will draw love to us. It is not meant to be a bargaining position, just a natural outgrowth of loving. Like seeks like. Love seeks love.

This idea is at the core of how I deal with people, and this idea is being tested… challenged. Truthfully, I’m at a bit of a loss.

Lunch

2006-01-16T10:35:00.000-08:00

Okay, the caterers are set up. They are serving chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, reubens, hamburgers, salad, and a selection of desserts.

Anyway, I go down to get my lunch. I looked at the food and walked away. No, I told myself, go back and get something.

So, I went back and looked things over.

Tell me this… what exactly is chicken fried steak? Is it chicken or beef? I honestly don’t know. I’m a bit suspicious of difficult to identify meat patties. I decided to pass on the breaded chicken/beef fried in vegetable oil.

Then I examined the sandwiches. I also passed them up. They looked used and were a bit… smelly.

Next came the salad.

There’s another question I need to ask… Do caterers understand that iceberg is not the only kind of lettuce? There is a whole world of lettuce… romaine, crisphead, butterhead and stem. So many varieties… why, oh why must they limit themselves to iceberg? Iceberg with a few sprinkles of shaved carrots does not a salad make.

I passed on the poor excuse for a salad.

Well, that left side dishes.

I went back to the beginning of the line and got a spoonful of mashed potatoes and a serving of green beans. I like green beans. Well, I use to like them.

Now, I’m back in my office. The food is sitting here on my desk… yes, there is a paper plate involved. The plate of food sitting on my desk is waiting. Waiting! Waiting!

Yeah, yeah… I hear ya, beans and potatoes. I’ll eat you. I’ll think of you as medicine and eat you. Later.

Right now, I’ve got a teleconference to attend.

Goodness

2006-01-16T09:28:00.000-08:00

Goodness, my sleepless weekend has caught up with me. I missed my morning workout. Just couldn't get out of bed at 6 AM. I'll sneak in the gym this afternoon.

Goodness, I don't know if I've had more than 10 hours of broken sleep since Friday morning. And worse... I just realized that since Friday I've eaten two utterly plain cheese sandwiches, one bag of popcorn and a hand full of Milk Duds at the movies, and one bowl of shredded wheat with skim milk. That plus trying to excersize 4 times a week is a recipe for disaster.

Goodness, I'm going to try to eat lunch... I say try because I have no appetite. I haven't had one in weeks... since well before thanksgiving. Heck, that's not weeks... that's months. Around Christmas I started noticing that not only do I not have an appetite, but food has actually lost it's appeal. Even things I use to love to eat just don't interest me. Last night, my daughter brought a piece of chocolate cake home from a birthday party specifically for me. I peeled back the protective cellophane, looked at it, and thought… “Ewww!” I wrapped it back up and there it sits… at home on the kitchen counter never to be eaten, and darn it I love chocolate cake!

Goodness, I got on the scale today... Let's say I've dropped a few... my clothes are getting too big... I don't know how this snuck up on me! Every so often I think... I haven't eaten, I should eat, and if I don't do it right away within a few minutes I sort of forget.

Goodness, I know… I know… I'll have to make a conscious effort to rectify this before I get sick.

Goodness, last night’s sudden migraine was an indication of where I'm headed. I was fine when I sat at my keyboard to talk to my Jedi, but before we were done I had a raging headache. It hasn't gone away. This headache is now a full-blown migraine. I haven't had one in months. Yup, I'm going to eat lunch and after my meeting this evening I'm going to try to sleep a full night.

Goodness, I'm thinking about the conversation I had last night… well, early this morning actually. It upset me. Surely, it was a combination of lack of sleep and the encroaching migraine, but it was also something else... I can see that my ideas about love, giving, sharing myself with others are not in keeping with the Jedi way, but I can't see... I can't quite make sense of the "other" way. I will, but it is just going to be a huge paradigm shift.

Goodness, Lawd, this ain’t helping my poor head. Nope, not one bit.

Goodness, what I need is a good body massage. I need a pair of strong hands working the spot at the base of my neck. I need gentle fingers rubbing my temples. I need a set of thumbs pressing in and working their way up and down my spine.

Goodness, this complaining is so unbecoming!

Goodness, excuse my rant… migraines do this to me!

Goodness, IMITREX here I come! And I’m digging through my business cards for the number of a good masseuse.

Here’s to taking better care of myself!

Bloggers Love Bloggers

2006-01-15T15:35:00.000-08:00

Of all things stumbling across this got me interested in blogging!

Read, enjoy, and relate if you can…

A Blog Entry From A Woman Who Calls Herself Afrochelle

The Wisdom of Morpheus

2006-01-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path...
-Morpheus-

I had a long night, but a good night. There are so many wonderful people in my little world… so much wisdom to be found outside the prison cave.

Now, in the morning glow… standing in Lemuria’s light… on yet another Sunday… I see that what I want is more about my own need than what is best for the person I claim to care about.

I accept that truth, and I will act accordingly. I’ll walk the path.

Here’s to friends that help me see what it would take me agonizing days to see on my own.

Draft One

2006-01-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

The last few months have been intense. They’ve been emotionally draining, but however exhausting it’s been, I think that I’m about to be rewarded with a good story. Bits and pieces of a tale have been falling into place and I am finally ready to put it on paper. I am finally ready to make a commitment to two characters that have been floating around in that tenuous space between imagination and actuality. I am finally ready to give them life.

I’ve been struggling with the telling of this story. I think all would be writers go through this. All people who write, at some point, ask themselves if they are ready to reveal the truth of who they are. The thought of a stranger reading my stuff has never bothered me. What has concerned me is the idea of my parents, my husband, my child, my co-workers, and my friends getting inside my head in such an intimate way. And more profoundly, what has concerned me is the idea of the people in my life finding themselves on my pages. You see, a writer exposes self and a writer exposes others. That’s the truly frightening part… exposing other people. Yikes, the threat of rejection looms large.

As I discuss these concerns with trusted friends, I’m often told to not worry; disguise the identities and move ahead. Well, changing names and locations and all kinds of little details easily hides identities. Of course, that’s simple to do, but a story is made of characters that are so much more than camouflaged demographic details. Characters, like people, have a heart and it is the heart that is not so easily disguised. And, more importantly, it is the heart that in the final analysis should not be masked. To attempt to do it leaves a story dull, flat, lifeless! No, a story without heart is better left untold. A story without heart is not even worthy of the dusty box under the bed.

So, over the last few months I have been readying myself to face the threat of rejection, and I believe I am now sufficiently prepared.

This new yet unwritten story I must claim. I will not hide behind a pseudonym. I will not stay buried in the shadows as I try to protect myself from the reaction of the people in my life. Nope, this time I’ll write to be read. To hell with what “they” think. To hell with what “you” think. And in oh so many ways, to hell with what even "I" think. Yup, to hell with the consequences. The story will be told.

This is who I am. This is how I perceive life. This is what I have to say, and say it I will.

Here’s to Light And Shadow - Draft One!

Pass-on-by-people

2006-01-10T15:39:00.000-08:00

From LightAndShadow’s dictionary

pass-on-by-peo·ple (pä on bi pee pel)
n. pl. pass-on-by-people

1. People you see, but don’t see.

I'm saving this phrase for a story.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

2006-01-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

This was in my fortune cookie today:

Pure love is a willingness to give without a thought of receiving anything in return.

Good grief, hit me over the head with it!

All right already!

Oh, and my lucky numbers are: 15, 18, 27, 30, 33, 40.

Here's to making use of messages on bits of paper hidden in sugary crescent shaped cracker like things!

Technology

2006-01-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

For the most part I see technology as added time and increased information.

Before the advent of readily available information I use to have to really dig for things...yes, there was a certain value in the digging process, but I find because information is so accessible now... I can learn more, and learn it faster than I could before. Technology gives me the time to follow every interest. I can improve on many levels simply by properly utilizing the things available to me. I’m no longer trapped by physical constraints… When is it open? What time does it start? How do I fit that in my day? These are things that really use to be an issue for me, but they’ve become less of an issue because I have the technology to make it so.

Why sit and wait for a phone call… I have a cell!

Why spend hours pouring through professional journals…I have an incredible…searchable…24 hour library sitting on my desk!

Why spend time opening mail and sorting through bills… I have automatic bill pay… and I haven’t missed a payment in 5 years!

I love the freedom technology brings me, but of course, in the wrong hands anything has a down side. A mind that only sees technology as a life of video games probably isn’t going to reap much real benefit from the tools at his/her disposal.

Here's to the wonderful things the modern world has to offer!

One of Those Things That Travel The Internet

2006-01-08T18:09:00.000-08:00

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean Puffy Combs for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars?

The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Puffy for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I'd be nuts to pass that up!"

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.

The father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two hoes."

This just cracks me up!

Another Sunday

2006-01-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

The light shines brightest in the darkness.

Lazaris Remembers Lemuria and The Cave

2006-01-07T17:37:00.000-08:00

Years ago, I was browsing in a small card shop on the east coast. It was one of those touristy stores that sold posters, candles, incense, and a variety of books and music. I’m sure I could have found crystals if I’d been in the market. However, I’m not a channeling spirits kinda woman. I don’t remember how I happened to be in a shop with such a new age edge, and truthfully, the only reason I recall it at all is because of a piece of music that was playing.

I didn’t notice the sound at first, but as I looked through a rack of cards I felt myself begin to drift away. It was the music. I heard a soothing composition that captured the sound of waking up. Music that drew a foggy pre-dawn picture filled me as I stood there with my eyes closed and a forgotten card dangling from my hand. I froze as the music made me feel the color blue. I listened carefully knowing that on the edge of that blue sound was the promise of light. Yes, those notes represented rebirth. Resurrection. The melody held the promise of a new beginning. The instrumental was called, Lazaris Remembers Lemuria.

I purchased a copy and have listened to it on and off for almost ten years. It is playing in the background as I write.

At the time, I didn’t know what the title meant. But the music was powerful enough, yet gentle enough to evoke its own story. There was only one Lazarus that held any meaning for me and though his name was spelled differently, when I listened to Lazaris Remembers Lemuria I envisioned the Lazarus of the bible emerging from his grave. I pictured Jesus as he called, "Lazarus, come out!" In my mind's eye I saw the disoriented once dead man shakily stepping out of his tomb, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth covering his face. I saw his resurrection.

Just as I had no idea who the Lazaris in the album title was, I had no idea who or what Lemuria was. I later learned that it's an ancient land predating any civilization we currently know. Predating Atlantis. Lemuria, like Atlantis, is a mythical place and as such I could imagine it to be anything I chose. Today, I choose to see Lemuria as Plato’s Upper World. Today, Lemuria will represent reality - the place of blinding light just outside my prison cave.

In The Allegory of the Cave, Plato describes mankind locked in a dark cave. The world they see, the things they believe to be true are merely shadows.

Merely shadows cast on the cave walls.

Behold! Human beings living in a underground cave, which has a mouth open towards the light and reaching all along the cave; here they have been from their childhood, and have their legs and necks chained so that they cannot move, and can only see before them, being prevented by the chains from turning round their heads… They see only their own shadows, or the shadows of one another, which the fire throws on the opposite wall of the cave.

Inside the prison cave mankind sees only lies, but outside this place is the real world. The truth. Plato through Socrates describes what would happen if the prisoners are released from their world of shadowy illusion.

See what will naturally follow if the prisoners are released and disabused of their error. At first, when any of them is liberated and compelled suddenly to stand up and turn his neck round and walk and look towards the light, he will suffer sharp pains; the glare will distress him, and he will be unable to see the realities of which in his former state he had seen the shadows; and then conceive some one saying to him, that what he saw before was an illusion, but that now, when he is approaching nearer to being and his eye is turned towards more real existence, he has a clearer vision, -what will be his reply? And you may further imagine that his instructor is pointing to the objects as they pass and requiring him to name them, -will he not be perplexed? Will he not fancy that the shadows which he formerly saw are truer than the objects which are now shown to him?

And this I think is where I am. I am being led toward the light… the truth… reality. Like Lazarus, I am emerging from my tomb, following the voice of God as he urges me to come out.

I should be eager. But I am not. I am afraid - not of any pain that may be associated with the truth, but of the inevitable sense of loss associated with giving up the lies - the shadows.

Much of what we believe, what we accept to be real is so deeply ingrained in us that to shake it lose is to give up a part of ourselves. That is the thing I fear – giving up a part of myself – even if that part is based on lies - lies that are poor reflections of the truth cast on the walls of my life.

I’ve been here before. Of that I am certain. I’ve stood here before, freed from my chains, facing the unguarded cave opening, hearing God’s call. I’ve stood here many times, occasionally taking a small step toward the light, venturing out just enough to know that something else awaits me. And just as I’ve stood in the doorway of truth I’ve stepped back, fled back, to the safety of the familiar. I’ve voluntarily chained myself back in position and tried to take comfort in the shadows. However, each time I do this, each time I retreat from the truth, the shadows become less comforting. They taunt me. They call me foolish. They laugh at my cowardice. They hold me prisoner. And I allow it.

Oh, but this time, this time I will not retreat. This time I will surrender myself to the truth.

Here's to entering Lemuria.

The Allegory of the Cave (The Republic , Book VII)

2006-01-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

I read this in college. At that time, I thought of it in relation to education and politics. Today I've been challenged to look at it as it relates to the Christian experience.

At the heart of The Cave Plato expresses his belief that the world revealed by our senses is not the "real" world but only a shadowy representation of it. His premise is very Matrix-like and appeals to the poetic side of me! I won't post the relevant excerpt from The Republic here, but if you are interested you can find the text online: The Allegory of the Cave.

Stay tuned as I look past the shadows and toward the light!

Oh, and here's to discovering the distinction!