LightAndShadow's Personal Journal

Saturday, February 4

Snowless Winter

I've been wanting to get out somewhere with waist high snow, but it seems to be a snowless winter. This is the best I've been able to do!

Image hosting by Photobucket

Comment Trouble...

I'm having trouble with my Blog comments... they won't "stick"... here today... gone tomorrow!!!!

Keep posting them though... I'm saving them and when I get this problem resolved I'll properly post them.

Much Love and Affection!

Friday, February 3

Missing You While Driving

I've got a Jeep.
I've got a Jeep and I drive it.
I've got a Jeep and I drive it and I think.
I've got a Jeep and I drive it and I think about how much I miss the people in my life that I can't "see"!
I've got a Jeep and I drive it and I think about how much I miss the people in my life that I can't "see" and I pass my exit.
I've got a Jeep and I drive it and I think about how much I miss the people in my life that I can't "see" and I pass my exit cuz I'm too busy missing the people in my life that I can't "see".

If I suddenly stop writing, know that I drove off the road thinking about you!

LOL

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lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol

Hiccup! 'Scuze me!

Thursday, February 2

Anger

Dear Readers,

It’s been awhile since I’ve directed an entry specifically to you. I’ve been thinking about each of you. I’ve been hoping that you’d get a chance to drop by and spend some time in LightAndShadow’s little piece of the digital world. Thank you for coming.

Today I’d like to write about anger. I’m writing, as much for me as I am for you. I’m writing for me as much as I am for any hapless person that stumbles across this entry. You see, I know a good deal about this particular emotion.

In an earlier entry, Geminis and Scorpios (Jedi Masters and Padawans), I claimed to have worked on my forgiveness issues. It’s true. I have. Hundreds of times. Forgiveness is a persistent problem for me and at the root of my unforgiving nature is, of course, anger.

Some structures have faults… points of weakness… places which allow for the entry of all sorts of contaminants… places that weaken the overall structure enough to make it fail... make it collapse. Like most buildings, we are structures with faults… weak places. Just as water seeps into a house with a cracked foundation and ruins the carpet, emotional distance, violence, vengefulness, and even hatred can creep in through the angry places in us and damage relationships. More importantly, they can destroy us!

Notice that I'm putting the emphasis on Us. Why? Because in the end, no matter how much pain our anger brings to others we will be the ultimate victims. Our unchecked anger will leave us guilty, unhappy, troubled people. Mark my words!

Anger has been my weak spot and I can tell you that it is a very dangerous thing. I’m writing to you because I know that you too have experienced the unrelenting upheaval of wounded emotions. I know you have felt the self-destructive tension generated by anger. Everyone has.

For some of us anger is a brooding, hidden thing. It takes up residence beneath an unapproachable veneer. It lurks behind feigned politeness. It restlessly paces behind busyness. That’s me… rather that has been me… a distant woman with an inner rage that held people at bay not so much to protect them from the onslaught of her bitterness, but to ensure that they wouldn’t find out how close to being out of control she was. Many of us live in this place… on the edge… ready to explode. Sadly, many of us actually feel our anger is warranted. We point to some offense and justify our angry spirit. But we are deceiving ourselves. Anger… prolonged, unresolved anger cannot be justified.

So, the question is… What do you do with your anger? It’s too easy to simply say let it go. I mean if we could do that, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. No, if it were easy, we’d simply walk away, take the highroad in every situation, and be perfect, forgiving people. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been able to do that… not without a lot of wrestling with myself.

So, again I ask… What do you do?

Well, the answer lies in repentance.

That’s right… R-e-p-e-n-t-a-n-c-e. Now, that’s a bible word steeped in religiosity. It conjures up images of wild-eyed, sweaty preachers screaming at the top of their lungs from a circus tent podium. I know it does. Please, erase that image from your head. Kill it quick. Repentance is nothing more than the act of changing your mind, having regret, and turning away. What exactly does that mean?

When it comes to anger, I think the part of our thinking that has to change is the belief that anger is justified. Personally, I had to start there.

Everything in the world tells you that it is okay to be angry. The world actually encourages it. He did what to you? Girl, you oughta _______. Fill in the blank. Nine times out of ten that blank won’t be filled with a suggestion to hold back your anger and walk in love. I can just about guarantee that.

In order to even begin to approach the place where I could fill in the blank with something other than an angry passive aggressive reaction, I had to shift my focus from the thing I was angry about and place it on the anger itself. Quite often there is nothing we can do about the circumstances that have us irate. It helps to recognize that there will always be a situation… something to drive us to an angry place. But if we understand that our own anger is the real enemy, perhaps we'll have a fighting chance.

I had to change my mind about what role anger would have in my life. As I began to rethink my relationship to my own anger, I began having regrets. Have you been there? Have you thought - Oh, how much time I’ve wasted being wrapped up in these angry feelings? When you start to see that the havoc in your life is more a result of your unchecked anger than it is a consequence of someone else’s offense, you begin to have regrets. Regret leads a reasonable person to the act of turning away. I ain’t going back there – isn’t that what you tell yourself? The process of rethinking, feeling regret, and purposefully turning away gives you a tremendous amount of control. It gives you the ability to choose.

Let’s stop here… for now.

Here’s to considering where it is we are to turn!

Wednesday, February 1

It Ain't All Deep

The light side of things. See, it ain't all deep!

I wrote:
I'm at my desk... looking forward to a good day!

It is gorgeous out and instead of hitting the gym I took a brisk walk outside! Ohhhh, the things you see!

What's up in your world?


He wrote:
Catching up with the happenings at the hospital at the moment.... glad your day is looking wonderful.... so what will you blog today?

Oh did you listen to the songs I sent you?


I wrote:
I'm listening as we speak... Have you heard Margaret Becker? I think you'd like her.
As for my blog... I don't know... perhaps I'll do another "good rant"!


He wrote:
Never heard of M. Becker... what does she sing?


I wrote:
http://www.maggieb.com/index2.html


He wrote:
cool beans I will listen later....thanks for hookin a brotha up...


I wrote:
Yeah... I got the hook up!

Got that bootleg "Ray!"

Got dem DVDs… whatchu wont... whatchu need... my Shyt don't got no peoples standin' up and walkin round the show... naw... I got the real deal... 2 fo twenty... tree fo twenty-fi. Whatchu wont... got that new Spike Lee... whatchu wont!

*LightAndShadow continues to move from car to car as busy people try to buy gas*

Hey Boo... Got dem DVDs!


He wrote:
LOL you are one sick person... I will come and visit you in your prison cell.....


I wrote:
Me and you at the Big House... in the Pen... You sneak in the weave and I swear I'll make us both rich.

Got that numba foe Janet Jackson Jumbo Pack.

Look Up

A song came to mind this morning.

Instead of using the treadmill I took a real walk. For the briefest of moments I marched with my head down, my eyes on my Nikes. I walked watching my feet establish the artificially perfect rhythm of the treadmill I have come to know. I was focused on the bumps in my path, the elephant dropping sized lumps of dirt left on the brand new sidewalk by the crews constructing hotels and office buildings up and down the curved access road that didn’t even exist a year ago. I moved along, building speed, heading nowhere when the voice in my head that speaks to my heart said, “Look! Look up! Feel me!”

My eyes left my feet. I trusted the voice enough to turned from the bumps and uneven places in the road that could trip me up. My eyes left my feet and searched the clear strikingly blue morning sky.

My heart said, “I Feel You!”

And the song… the Becker song… played in my head.

Feel It All

I’ve been living so close to the skin
Trying to feel everything
I been digging ‘round so deep looking for eternal things
So I prayed a prayer to be wise
I prayed a prayer to see it with Your eyes
For ears to hear and a heart to seek
And the gift to find all the treasure You leave
I think I see it

In the beauty of the morning
In the rhythm of the rain
In the symphony of laughter as it plays across Your face
In the colors of creation painting sunsets in the fall
I want to feel it all

Oh, cuz what is life if not to see Your spirit passing by
And what is love if not to leave the imprints of Your touch
I think I see it

In the beauty of the morning
In the rhythm of the rain
In the symphony of laughter as it plays across Your face
In the colors of creation painting sunsets in the fall
I want to feel it all


As I walked and remembered the words, as I sang along with the Becker in my head I did more than simply sing the words... No, I prayed. I prayed that He would make me wise... I prayed to see the world through His eyes... to hear with His ears... to discover what He means for me to discover!

Thank You for reminding me, Lord... Hold back my fear and let me feel You.... Show me... Show me the eternal things... Don’t let me miss your spirit in the people and things I touch... Use me, Lord - use me to leave Your imprint on the world around me!

Here's to being with God in the beauty of the morning!

Tuesday, January 31

Geminis and Scorpios (Jedi Masters and Padawans)

A couple of people have asked me who this Jedi Master I write about is. Well, let me tell ya! See what happened was…

Geminis were like falling from the sky and I was all non-plussed and I said to myself…

What is it with all these Geminis cropping up? Good grief! I’ve lived all these years without being more than passing acquaintances with anyone born between May 21st and June 21st. I’ve been reasonably content, fairly prosperous, and healthy enough without the influence of the universe’s version of the split personality infiltrating my space, and now… well, now they are firmly and completely entrenched in all areas of my little ole life. They are scurrying around EVERYWHERE… like bipolar roaches… and Lawd, don’t I just love it.

Not all that long ago I noticed the trend and did a Internet search designed to help me figure out if these fascinating creatures were going to be the end of me. I didn’t mind finding one or two of them in the opened albeit rarely used cereal box in my pantry, but I kept finding them creeping around in the cavernous regions of my heart… and that was bad. Very bad I tell you. So I did my little investigative work. The resulting analysis indicated that Scorpio/ Gemini interactions were DOOMED. That’s right… doomed! Well, maybe not doomed, but difficult.

The prevailing wisdom says that Gemini is a social, communicatin’ jack-of-all-trades, a whiz-kid, a trickster, a messenger, and a flitter (my word and it means jumps from subject to subject and I suspect from partner to partner to partner to… well, you get it.). Now Scorpio is an extremely loyal friend and does not care for flittin’ or flitters. Scorpio is a detective, a therapist, a hypnotist, a transformer. Oh, and did I mention Stinger has forgiveness issues and is secretive to boot!

Not sounding like friendship material is it? But all's not lost in these alliances. See, though difficult, they can be very strong… the powers that be, i.e. the Internet astrology experts swear that adjustment is key. They say both these guys need to give more than they get. I been doing that for a while now and the thought of givin’ doesn’t scare me, so I’m down with the giving part of this. The experts say that all that is required is a little extra sensitivity. Heck… I’m sensitive - sensitive enough to have addressed my forgiveness issues and secretive nature long ago. Sensitive enough to keep the controlling aspect of my personality in check... well, pretty much in check.

In the end, the experts say Gemini is ‘spose to keep the lines of communication open and Scorp is ‘spose to learn to let go! Whateva! Read my d@mn blog… three-fourths of it is about learning this very thing… learning it from a Gemini… go figure!

Oooops, I’m off track… like I was saying…

My world was under Gemini attack.

So why was I so attracted, and why were there suddenly so many of them? Thanks for asking... I'ma tell ya.

I was attracted because these nuts are funny, chatty, deep little somebodies. Inconsistent and flighty as ‘ell, but as long as you don’t ask too much of them they seem to be great little entertainers. Course they’ll flip on ya in a minute, but when they are on… they are on. Now, that’s the story on the average “Ta ‘ell wid it I’ma just throw myself into being a Gemini” Geminis, but low-and-behold those aren’t the only kinda Geminis out there. Nope, there is this thing called the Gemini with self-control. Now, as far as this little Scorpio gal is concerned that’s a powerful thing… yep, it most certainly is. And why were there so many of them... well, I needed to learn a lesson and I needed the right Gemini to show me the way! Sometimes you gotta thump on a lot of watermelons to find a ripe one.

So… I’m living, right? Not particularly well… it’s a difficult time and all that, but I’m doing what I do. Anyway, I’m dealing with my stuff and out of nowhere this man starts writing me. The first thing I notice is he’s another one of those doomed Geminis. This is not good, but I’ma be bad with mine and tell him upfront, “I ain’t scurred of no Twin-Signed-Dark-Stormy-Nothin’!” And he tells me, “Good… but you don’t have to worry because I have all that under control!” Well, I decided to see ‘bout that. I put my detective hat on and went to work discovering who the heck this MessengerMan was.

I’m telling you… from day one the conversation was deep… no hesitant getting to know you… where ya from nonsense, and that was fine by me cuz I’m not one for superficial people, places, or things. I like mine’s real (lol) and mystery man brought the real deal.

Course… I ‘ve got this blog where I tell all my business, so he’s got a bit of an advantage… if he can read he’s got access to my inner workings from jump… and he could most assuredly read… and clearly he could write, too.

He writes me all this pertinent, relevant, thought provoking, lead me in the right direction stuff focused on the idea of letting go... which was just what a Scorpio needs to be learning to do, right? Most interestingly, he does it with just enough mastery that I get sucked right in.

Here I am learning what I need to know at the hands of this just-fell-into-my-life Gemini who’s not flittin’ off leavin’ my ass saying… “Huh? What just happened?” Instead, he leads me to recognize the need to let go of old crap, literally, figuratively, and emotionally without walking away from me! Whoa… a Gemini that doesn’t flit. What have we here?

I’m all interested, right? I mean, here’s this scripture quotin’, philosophizin’, email writin’, provocative question askin’, non-flittin’ Gemini with some information on life that I needed so, of course, I was curious as all get out. Kept asking him, “Who are you?” and he kept tossing me cryptic, “I’m a fellow traveler” answers. Huh?

Instead of giving me direct answers to my innocent inquiries OhDeepMysteriousOne would send me off on these helpful little assignments… “Study the concept of surrender and we’ll talk.”

Again, huh?

But dutifully I’d go off and study and then we’d discuss what I learned… still didn’t know who TheSeminarian was. Whoever he was his screen name didn’t fit so I kept calling him something different every couple of contacts. I’d learn some little tidbit, discover something about him and rename him until I finally settled on Jedi Master. Every Jedi worth whatever it is that fuels the Millennium Falcon deserves a Padawan, so I became Padawan.

I’ve never told my Jedi this, but I knew things would work well between us… a Gemini and a Scorpio... when I sent him a message asking him how many Padawans he had.

He responded, “A Jedi may only have one Padawan at a time!”

Good answer! Great answer! Just what I needed to hear!

So began a very friendly, fruitful student/teacher journey!

Here’s to a Gemini and a Scorpio living out the Jedi Code!

Monday, January 30

God is Love

God is love.
God is love.
God is love, huh????


We hear this all the time, but what does it really mean?

God is love.

More importantly, could this be the missing piece of the love definition that offsets the negative feeling we have about vulnerability and responsibility - the piece that encompasses those scary words and soothes away some of their sting? Could God be the piece that takes human love from a mere reflection of what it is meant to be to something truly substantial? Is He the piece that makes love not a feeling but a principle?

My immediate reaction is to say, yes! Yes, the missing piece must be God if God is indeed love. My immediate reaction is to say - surely if God is love, than loving is not just some activity. It has to be more than that.

Paul wrote:
Love is long suffering
Love is kind
It is not jealous
Love does not boast
It is not inflated
It is not discourteous
It is not selfish
It is not irritable
It does not enumerate the evil
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things
It has faith for all things
It hopes in all things
It endures in all things.

I’ve read and thought about these words many times. I always interpreted I Corinthians 13 as defining love through a set of behaviors. This, Paul seemed to be saying, is what love looks like. What it does. How it acts. And what I saw at the heart of Paul’s description of love is the word sacrifice. Giving up our impatience, our nasty little tendencies, our jealousy, our egotism, our selfish, angry, spiteful ways for the sake of friend and enemy alike. Sacrifice seemed to be the essence, the essential, the vital part of the love equation. And like vulnerability and responsibility it is another very scary word.

So, here we are right back at the beginning looking down the barrel at yet another frightening concept. Sacrifice! Is nothing easy? Is nothing lighthearted and fun? Is it always about giving up, dying to our own selfishness, denying ourselves for the benefit of others? How do we do this when everything in us screams – what about me?

Well, the first thing that we must do is drown out that screaming voice. It won’t cost anything to put it on hold for a minute. It won’t kill us to try to reason this out, will it?

Second, we must begin to actually see God as love and love as originating in God and not in us, or in our beloved. We must look at love as God’s nature, and understand that what he does expresses his nature. Now, as we begin to see love not as some activity, but activities as something to be done in love then we are a step closer to taking some of the sting out of those scary words. We are a step closer to making it about God and his nature and not about us and ours!

And finally, we have to look to God to provide us with the ability to do what he does - act in love. As God reveals himself to us he shows us what love is because… well, God is Love!

Here’s to God guiding and empowering us in this great pilgrimage! Here’s to loving!

Vulnerability and Responsibility

Two things seem to keep people from loving one another. Vulnerability and Responsibility.

Scary Word One: Vulnerability. Hummmm, doesn't that just conjure up unsafe images?

  1. Susceptibility
  2. Weakness
  3. Defenselessness
  4. Helplessness
  5. Openness
  6. Exposure
  7. Liability
All this sounds pretty risky. Words like these do little to instill a sense of wellbeing. In fact they point to a word most of us really don’t want anything to do with.

Need!

And what about Scary Word Two: Responsibility?

  1. Blame
  2. Liability
  3. Accountability
  4. Duty
  5. Job
  6. Task
  7. Dependability
  8. Reliability
Now, words like these sound like work and heaven help us they just scream yet another scary word.

Commitment!

What does looking at love this way say? It says…

Love always makes you vulnerable. There’s no way you can love and not expose yourself in some way. Love always makes you responsible. There’s no way you can love and not feel a sense of accountability. Vulnerable, responsible love goes hand in hand with need and commitment.

So, ask me again why relationships are hard!

Naw… this whole definition of love is faulty. If this were all there were to it, who’d be bothered! See, there’s something missing and that something… not understanding that something is what keeps us moving from unsatisfying encounter to unsatisfying encounter. Not understanding the missing piece of love defined keeps us on the run, looking, never finding, turning away from good things and then feeling lonely, lost.

I hear from a reliable source that love is not a feeling it is a principle.

Here’s to understanding the principle of love!

Sunday, January 29

A Bit Overambitious

I think perhaps LightAndShadow’s To Do list was a bit overambitious. I got a lot of the things I wanted to accomplish accomplished, but I ran out of steam before I completed everything.

I failed to write the next chapter, I completely missed the drug store, I haven’t emailed the youngster that I mentor, my ideas for a family website are still in my head, and though Moveable Type has been downloaded I’ve done no more than glance at the user’s manual. Sadly, Ms. Headley's album, though scheduled for a January release, is not in the stores, yet.

On a happier note, I can say that besides checking off the other things on my list I was able to take my girl to an unplanned early dinner. Over shrimp cocktail I got to hear all about HIM… the boyfriend. Lawd, my child is talking about Valentine’s Day like it was a real holiday!

I also stopped by to visit a friend who called this morning. She’s going out of town and needs me to care for her little doll baby for a couple of days. I love hanging out with children I am not ultimately responsible for, and this one is a cutie pie. I’ve taken a slew of photographs of her and I’m sure during her short visit I’ll take a bunch more. Nothin’ like a cute, fresh faced subject.

Since I’ll have the little darlin’ I’d love to get her all potty trained by the time her mother comes back! Now, what busy mom wouldn’t appreciate that? We’ll see! She's a smart kid. Her mom's been working with her... maybe another adult's influence is just what she needs to make that final step into the big girl realm. Hmmmm... I know I have a copy of Pat The Bunny somewhere around here!

Oh, and a toddler houseguest gives me a legitimate excuse to work from home for a couple of days! Yeah!

Goodness, I better add – Pick up some kid friendly food – to tomorrow’s list!

Here’s to finishing off my Sunday curled up with Stephen King before Sesame Street and Dora Dora take over my house!

A Friendly Warning

Just wanted to warn you… I mean as a friend I thought that I should let you know just how dangerous it is to walk around with a toothbrush hanging out of your mouth.

Now, it is not like anything like this has ever happened to me… I mean it’s not like I was rushing around preparing to go out… maybe buy the new Stephen King book and check on Heather Headley’s new CD, or anything like that… it’s not like I walked into a wall with the toothbrush that was dangling in my mouth taking the brunt of the impact and lodging itself in the back of my throat… I’m not tryna say that that happened to me… I’m just trying to warn those of you that might find themselves in this kind of predicament… as a friend and all… I just thought I should let you know that I heard bad things can happen when you’re not careful.

Anyway… take care… oh, and if you’re looking for me you may want to avoid calling my cell… I don’t think I’ll be doing much talking today!

Here’s to fair warnings!

My To Do List

I woke up this morning without a plan. Nope, no plan at all. That’s not like me. I usually have some idea of what I’d like to get out of the day… what needs doin’, ya know? But today I’m not at all sure what I should do.

For any of you that know me or have learned a bit about me through my fiction I think it is list-making time.

Here goes!

LightAndShadow’s Sunday Morning To Do List In No Special Order
  1. Skip Church
  2. Spend some quality alone time with the Lord
  3. Write the next chapter in Light And Shadow
  4. Fold the laundry
  5. Add a list of Favorite Blogs to my Blog
  6. Add a section called Favorite Entries to my Blog
  7. Curl my daughter’s hair
  8. Go to Border’s and pick up Cell by Stephen King
  9. Review my portfolio and find a nice safe place to stash a little cash
  10. Charge camera batteries for the party on Friday
  11. Clean lenses and test my new light box
  12. Continue to fight the urge to school the poor woman that’s where I was not so very long ago
  13. Make a trip to Whole Foods and stock up
  14. Take a long afternoon nap
  15. Wash my hair and give myself a facial
  16. Email the girl I mentor
  17. Drop prescriptions off at the drug store and pick up hair products
  18. Start bulding website
  19. Learn Movable Type

Good grief, Charlie Brown. I’ve got more than enough to keep me on the move today. And what do you know… I’ve got myself an online visitor. This… this list will have to wait!

I shall return.