Weekend

I'm spending the better part of this weekend with my mother. I'll be away from my blog... away from a DSL connection to the outside world... away from AIM and Messenger and Email and Forums and you!

Wish me luck!

Here's to a fully charged cell phone and a gassed up Jeep! Oh, and a pint of chocolate almond ice cream!

I Feel

I feel soooo good I just don’t know what to do with myself!

I feel blessed to be able to sit, stand, walk, spin, reach, climb, and just plain move without cringing or swallowing back pain!

I feel like the donut I ate this morning has me on a sugar high!

I feel grateful to see Friday and the weekend out there somewhere waiting just for me!

I feel worry free, debt free, heartbreak free, free free!

I feel like a million billion trillion Crispy Chicken Nuggets!

I feel like listening to some new music – experiencing a new voice!

I feel like dancing till I get dizzy!

I feel like giggling till I can’t breath!

I feel like laughing till tears fall!

I feel like running a hard 3 miles!

I feel like hugging everybody I see!

I feel like gift giving!

I feel like taking a portrait of a dark-eyed Stranger!

I feel like a long hot shower and the notes of herbal suds!

I feel like dressing up in a barely there low cut something!

I feel like silk and feathers!

I feel like a starry night!

I feel like a shadowy room!

I feel like the scent of a glowing candle!

I feel like slick heated massage oil!

I feel like images drawn with body paint!

I feel like down and expensive sheets!

I feel like touching skin and losing myself in another person!

I feel like loving hands and interlocking fingers!

I feel like tongues and teeth and soft breaths!

I feel like curly eyelashes against my cheek!

I feel like soft lips on exposed fleshed!

I feel like poetry, prose, and praise!

I feel like listening to someone’s whispered secrets!

I feel like whispering my own!

I feel like exchanging promises and claiming hearts!

I feel like being carried!

I feel like baring someone else’s weight!

I feel like flames doused in cool water!

I feel like sighs and moans and sounds of relief!

I feel like relishing release!

I feel like bringing someone exquisite joy!

I feel like moving on… and up… and out!

Here's to feeling like the Light part of LightAndShadow!

I Hope

I hope a certain West Coast Desert Dweller has time for me tonight.

I hope I won’t have to compete with a bunch of uniformed fellows tossin’, kickin’, shootin’, or hittin’ a ball! (Unless, of course, they're youth needing a role model type coach... them I'll step aside for... darn it!!!)

I hope there's a fully charged cell phone in someone's pocket, or on someone's desk, or better yet, in someone's eager hand!

Here's to hoping!

My Jedi Master

I gotta tell ya how much I appreciate and yes, admire my Jedi Master. He doesn’t wanna hear it. Apparently that’s not the Jedi way, but darn it I’m a Padawan and I’m not yet completely bound to the Jedi code. When I get my fully functioning lightsaber I’ll follow all the rules. Until then…

Your sometimes obstinate, occasionally dense, and often overly emotional Padawan thanks you for being her friend and teacher.

Here's to people that enter your life at just the right time!

As Hard As I Try

In one of my blog entries, A Roadmap, I received the following comment…

Sometimes, those that need love most don't know how to give it back and must be embraced even more.

Blue

I thought about this and I think it is a really a profound statement.

I think as a kid I needed someone to see this – I needed someone to embrace me even more. It wasn't that I didn't know how to give love... it was that I didn't think I was worthy of love. However, the principal is the same.

We often see the people who are shut down/ shut off and we simply walk away believing that they don't want or need what we have to offer. But they do.

I'm in a mentorship program and we talk about kids that fight accepting what we have to offer. We recognize that they are reacting to past hurts and we press on... slowly but surely showing them that we will be there. Eventually, most of them break down and begin to trust us.

The thing is... the thing that bothers me about simply walking away from people that choose to walk away from us is that I'm afraid we are failing to follow though, to break through that wall of resistance that actually needs to be demolished.

Yes, adult should be capable of deciding when, where, and who they want to be in relationship with, but if you take the time to get to know people, you begin to see that the child part controls many of the things we think and do.

So often we are not dealing with an adult. We are dealing with a child - a hurt, frightened child who needs special attention. We are dealing with the part of the person that needs to hear the “I love you’s”, but may not ever ask for them.

As hard as I try, I can’t imagine walking away from a child in pain… even if that child is housed in a stubborn adult body. I can’t imagine saying, “You don’t want me, and therefore I will stop trying to befriend you, to meet some of your needs, to love you in spite of.”

Here's to loving in spite of!

In Memory Of Martin Luther King

http://www.bushflash.com/mlk2005.html

A Roadmap

You Owe Me Nothing In Return
Alanis Morrisette

I'll give you countless amounts of
outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to
choose the path that you want if you need it.

You can speak of anger and doubts,
Your fears and freak-outs and I'll hold it.
You can share your so-called shame-filled accounts
Of times in your life and I won't judge it.

And there are no strings attached to it...

Chorus:

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
And you owe me nothing in return.

You can ask for space for yourself
And only yourself and I'll grant it.
You can ask for freedom as well
Or time to travel and you'll have it.

You can ask to live by yourself
Or love someone else and I'll support it.
You can ask for anything you want
Anything at all and I'll understand it.

And there are no strings attached to it...

(chorus)

I bet you're wondering when the next
payback shoe will eventually drop.
I bet you're wondering when my conditional
police will force you to cough up.
I bet you're wondering how far you
now have danced your way back into debt.
This is the only kind of love as
I understand it that there really is.

You can express your deepest of truths
Even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it.
You can fall into the abyss
On the way to your bliss
And I'll empathize with.
You can say you'll have to skip town
To chase your passion and I'll hear it.
You can leave and hit rock bottom
Have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it.

And there are no strings attached to it

Thanks Blue, for turning me on to this. This song is a roadmap to the kind of love I'm studying.

The first thing that caught my attention when I read these lyrics was the way the writer emphasized “if you want/need it”.

I'll give you countless amounts of
outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to
choose the path that you want if you need it.

I’m wondering about this. Do we only give what people say they want or need? If you feel acceptance and have encouragement to offer, can’t you give it regardless of whether the “you” in the song wants it or not? Granted, acceptance and encouragement may take shape in the background if the other person doesn’t want it from you, but can’t it… shouldn’t it exist anyway.

I’m not saying this very well, but this is the thing I’m struggling with. Am I not entitled to my feelings regardless of how “you” feel?

As I learn more about love I am constantly confronted with the idea that at times the accepted idea of love can be a very selfish thing. When we come from a place that says… I love… I give love so that I might be loved we are approaching love from a selfish place. But I’m not talking about a tit-for-tat approach to loving. I accept and understand the twisted nature of this kind of thinking. However, I do believe in cause and effect. I believe that if love is offered… if we act in love… if we are a loving people, then we will draw love to us. It is not meant to be a bargaining position, just a natural outgrowth of loving. Like seeks like. Love seeks love.

This idea is at the core of how I deal with people, and this idea is being tested… challenged. Truthfully, I’m at a bit of a loss.

Lunch

Okay, the caterers are set up. They are serving chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, reubens, hamburgers, salad, and a selection of desserts.

Anyway, I go down to get my lunch. I looked at the food and walked away. No, I told myself, go back and get something.

So, I went back and looked things over.

Tell me this… what exactly is chicken fried steak? Is it chicken or beef? I honestly don’t know. I’m a bit suspicious of difficult to identify meat patties. I decided to pass on the breaded chicken/beef fried in vegetable oil.

Then I examined the sandwiches. I also passed them up. They looked used and were a bit… smelly.

Next came the salad.

There’s another question I need to ask… Do caterers understand that iceberg is not the only kind of lettuce? There is a whole world of lettuce… romaine, crisphead, butterhead and stem. So many varieties… why, oh why must they limit themselves to iceberg? Iceberg with a few sprinkles of shaved carrots does not a salad make.

I passed on the poor excuse for a salad.

Well, that left side dishes.

I went back to the beginning of the line and got a spoonful of mashed potatoes and a serving of green beans. I like green beans. Well, I use to like them.

Now, I’m back in my office. The food is sitting here on my desk… yes, there is a paper plate involved. The plate of food sitting on my desk is waiting. Waiting! Waiting!

Yeah, yeah… I hear ya, beans and potatoes. I’ll eat you. I’ll think of you as medicine and eat you. Later.

Right now, I’ve got a teleconference to attend.

Goodness

Goodness, my sleepless weekend has caught up with me. I missed my morning workout. Just couldn't get out of bed at 6 AM. I'll sneak in the gym this afternoon.

Goodness, I don't know if I've had more than 10 hours of broken sleep since Friday morning. And worse... I just realized that since Friday I've eaten two utterly plain cheese sandwiches, one bag of popcorn and a hand full of Milk Duds at the movies, and one bowl of shredded wheat with skim milk. That plus trying to excersize 4 times a week is a recipe for disaster.

Goodness, I'm going to try to eat lunch... I say try because I have no appetite. I haven't had one in weeks... since well before thanksgiving. Heck, that's not weeks... that's months. Around Christmas I started noticing that not only do I not have an appetite, but food has actually lost it's appeal. Even things I use to love to eat just don't interest me. Last night, my daughter brought a piece of chocolate cake home from a birthday party specifically for me. I peeled back the protective cellophane, looked at it, and thought… “Ewww!” I wrapped it back up and there it sits… at home on the kitchen counter never to be eaten, and darn it I love chocolate cake!

Goodness, I got on the scale today... Let's say I've dropped a few... my clothes are getting too big... I don't know how this snuck up on me! Every so often I think... I haven't eaten, I should eat, and if I don't do it right away within a few minutes I sort of forget.

Goodness, I know… I know… I'll have to make a conscious effort to rectify this before I get sick.

Goodness, last night’s sudden migraine was an indication of where I'm headed. I was fine when I sat at my keyboard to talk to my Jedi, but before we were done I had a raging headache. It hasn't gone away. This headache is now a full-blown migraine. I haven't had one in months. Yup, I'm going to eat lunch and after my meeting this evening I'm going to try to sleep a full night.

Goodness, I'm thinking about the conversation I had last night… well, early this morning actually. It upset me. Surely, it was a combination of lack of sleep and the encroaching migraine, but it was also something else... I can see that my ideas about love, giving, sharing myself with others are not in keeping with the Jedi way, but I can't see... I can't quite make sense of the "other" way. I will, but it is just going to be a huge paradigm shift.

Goodness, Lawd, this ain’t helping my poor head. Nope, not one bit.

Goodness, what I need is a good body massage. I need a pair of strong hands working the spot at the base of my neck. I need gentle fingers rubbing my temples. I need a set of thumbs pressing in and working their way up and down my spine.

Goodness, this complaining is so unbecoming!

Goodness, excuse my rant… migraines do this to me!

Goodness, IMITREX here I come! And I’m digging through my business cards for the number of a good masseuse.

Here’s to taking better care of myself!

Bloggers Love Bloggers

Of all things stumbling across this got me interested in blogging!

Read, enjoy, and relate if you can…

A Blog Entry From A Woman Who Calls Herself Afrochelle

The Wisdom of Morpheus

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path...

-Morpheus-

I had a long night, but a good night. There are so many wonderful people in my little world… so much wisdom to be found outside the prison cave.

Now, in the morning glow… standing in Lemuria’s light… on yet another Sunday… I see that what I want is more about my own need than what is best for the person I claim to care about.

I accept that truth, and I will act accordingly. I’ll walk the path.

Here’s to friends that help me see what it would take me agonizing days to see on my own.