The Child Within
Let me begin with a caveat, a warning, a disclaimer… This is my opinion. It is founded in my personal experience, it is coming from my soul, it is not to be taken as proven fact, it is only meant as an observation, and… it is subject to revision. I am just beginning to grapple with this, and I reserve the right to change my mind. If you see an error in my thinking, feel free to speak up. I am, as always, in “discovery” mode.
I am attracted to the Man-child. I’ve always been attracted to him. I’ve always loved his charm, his wildness, his exuberant approach to living. And yes, I’ve also loved his dark side, his insecurity, his need for protection, his need for instruction, his need… period.
I’ve always sought out and engaged this type of man. Not necessarily consciously, most definitely not consciously, it is just the way it has been. If I step back and examine the why of it, I am left with this – I pursue the child in others as a playmate for the child in me! It really is quite simple. I draw out, take care of, and nurture the child part of the men in my life so that they might draw out, take care of, and nurture the child part in me.
On the surface, this makes a certain amount of sense. However the reality of it is that the kind of interaction I have been seeking is destructive. It is not healthy. It does not work. Here’s why!
The child part in all of us is by definition immature. The child part in all of us is by definition unreasonable. The child part in all of us is by definition insatiable. Catering to that child leads to relationships fraught with childish drama, unreasonable demands, irresponsible finger pointing, it is not the stuff mature partnerships are made of. It is the stuff of petty schoolyard battles and co-dependency.
A child cannot nurture. It is not the job of a child to do so. Children are on the receiving end. That is their place. As a parent, to ask my child to nurture me is destructive. It is an invasion. It crosses a boundary. It is unfair. The child is not the parent and shouldn’t be forced into that role.
But, you are likely to ask, what about the Man part of the Child… can’t that part of him act as nurturer? Surprisingly, I’ve learned that he cannot. Especially if he allows the child in him free reign. It makes sense that if a man can’t control his own child-like tendencies, he is in no position to properly nurture anyone else.
Nurturing is all about facilitating growth. It is not about staying trapped in the status quo. It is about moving beyond that. Like just about everything else it starts with self. If I cannot nurture the child in me to a state of maturity, how can I do it for someone else? Why would I do it for someone else? No, the Man part of the Man-child is too focused on himself to properly tend to someone else. This I have seen. If pushed, the Man-child runs from anything that requires commitment and nurturing. He runs to drugs, he runs to other women, he loses himself in himself.
Now, what does my attraction to this type of man say about me? That is the thing I need to focus on. The first thing that I see is that my attraction says something about the child in me. It says that that child has not yet found a healthy way to have her needs met. I have this fantasy of crawling into a man’s arms and letting go. Not falling to pieces, but being free to say… I’m hurt, I’m tired, I need! That is the voice of the child in me. That is the part of me that I have always kept a tight reign on. That is the part of me that I want to be able to express with a man that can handle it. Not fix it. Just handle it. That is the part of me that needs to be petted and nurtured and cared for.
I’ve looked to the Man-child to do that… believing that he, of all people, would understand my need. But I was looking in the wrong place. Of that I am sure. Now, the question becomes… should the child in me simply be ignored? There is a place for him/her in all of us. Isn’t there? Where does that child in LightAndShadow go? If not to the Man-child, then where?
More to follow…
I am attracted to the Man-child. I’ve always been attracted to him. I’ve always loved his charm, his wildness, his exuberant approach to living. And yes, I’ve also loved his dark side, his insecurity, his need for protection, his need for instruction, his need… period.
I’ve always sought out and engaged this type of man. Not necessarily consciously, most definitely not consciously, it is just the way it has been. If I step back and examine the why of it, I am left with this – I pursue the child in others as a playmate for the child in me! It really is quite simple. I draw out, take care of, and nurture the child part of the men in my life so that they might draw out, take care of, and nurture the child part in me.
On the surface, this makes a certain amount of sense. However the reality of it is that the kind of interaction I have been seeking is destructive. It is not healthy. It does not work. Here’s why!
The child part in all of us is by definition immature. The child part in all of us is by definition unreasonable. The child part in all of us is by definition insatiable. Catering to that child leads to relationships fraught with childish drama, unreasonable demands, irresponsible finger pointing, it is not the stuff mature partnerships are made of. It is the stuff of petty schoolyard battles and co-dependency.
A child cannot nurture. It is not the job of a child to do so. Children are on the receiving end. That is their place. As a parent, to ask my child to nurture me is destructive. It is an invasion. It crosses a boundary. It is unfair. The child is not the parent and shouldn’t be forced into that role.
But, you are likely to ask, what about the Man part of the Child… can’t that part of him act as nurturer? Surprisingly, I’ve learned that he cannot. Especially if he allows the child in him free reign. It makes sense that if a man can’t control his own child-like tendencies, he is in no position to properly nurture anyone else.
Nurturing is all about facilitating growth. It is not about staying trapped in the status quo. It is about moving beyond that. Like just about everything else it starts with self. If I cannot nurture the child in me to a state of maturity, how can I do it for someone else? Why would I do it for someone else? No, the Man part of the Man-child is too focused on himself to properly tend to someone else. This I have seen. If pushed, the Man-child runs from anything that requires commitment and nurturing. He runs to drugs, he runs to other women, he loses himself in himself.
Now, what does my attraction to this type of man say about me? That is the thing I need to focus on. The first thing that I see is that my attraction says something about the child in me. It says that that child has not yet found a healthy way to have her needs met. I have this fantasy of crawling into a man’s arms and letting go. Not falling to pieces, but being free to say… I’m hurt, I’m tired, I need! That is the voice of the child in me. That is the part of me that I have always kept a tight reign on. That is the part of me that I want to be able to express with a man that can handle it. Not fix it. Just handle it. That is the part of me that needs to be petted and nurtured and cared for.
I’ve looked to the Man-child to do that… believing that he, of all people, would understand my need. But I was looking in the wrong place. Of that I am sure. Now, the question becomes… should the child in me simply be ignored? There is a place for him/her in all of us. Isn’t there? Where does that child in LightAndShadow go? If not to the Man-child, then where?
More to follow…
posted by LightAndShadow at
11:12:00 AM
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